GOP Votes to Cut Vermont From Union As Healthcare Costs Drop

Friday, April 5th, 2013
As healthcare costs fall in Vermont due to Obamacare, House Speaker John Boehner led a vote to rescind Vermont statehood.

As healthcare costs fall significantly in Vermont due to Obamacare, House Speaker John Boehner led a vote to rescind Vermont statehood.

Washington, DC — Dealt a major blow to their ongoing effort to repeal the Affordable Care Act (a.k.a. Obamacare), the US House of Representatives voted along party lines, 232 to 200, to oust Vermont from the union. Speaking for the Republican majority, House Speaker John Boehner called the vote “a victory for America, specifically American insurance companies.”

The vote came early today, after a report revealed that the 2014 proposed rates filed by Blue Cross Blue Shield of Vermont and MVP Healthcare — the two companies selected to provide coverage on the state’s exchange — would be less than small employers currently pay.

In fact, under the proposed 2014 pricing, the monthly premium for a small company covering seven employees and their dependents would drop from $12,800 to $10,000 per month, a savings of $33,600 per year. What’s more, most plans include better benefits for the money. House Speaker Boehner found this troubling.

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Boehner, Republicans Plan To Cure Inflexibility With Yoga

Wednesday, April 3rd, 2013
Congressman Paul Ryan (R-WI) and other Republicans vow to cure their unpopular inflexibility problem with yoga.

Congressman Paul Ryan (R-WI) and other Republicans vow to cure their unpopular inflexibility problem with yoga.

Washington, D.C. — A Gallup Poll published on April 1, which apparently is no joke, found that the major criticism of today’s Republican party is that it is “too inflexible.” Most surprising about the results is that more Republicans than Democrats listed this as the main quality they dislike about the GOP — by 26% to 22%.

“It’s a definitely a wake-up call for Republicans,” said House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH). “And one we plan to address with the same sense of urgency we apply to America’s other pressing problems.”

Boehner said that since the party began moving inexorably to the right in the 1990s, the GOP has become adept at tying itself in knots. However, he conceded that having the flexibility to do that was of little value if they required the Jaws of Life to undo the damage.

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Supreme Court Mandates New Signage For Public Restrooms

Monday, April 1st, 2013
In an effort to curb unwanted same-sex sexual advances, new restrooms will group gay men with straight women and gay women with straight men.

In an effort to curb unwanted same-sex sexual advances, new restrooms will group gay men with straight women and gay women with straight men.

Washington, DC — In a decision that has sign manufacturers scrambling to meet an unprecedented demand, the Supreme Court voted to uphold an Iowa restaurant’s right to divide their restrooms in a way that the owner’s lawyer argued was “more in keeping with the times.” The vote was 5 to 4, with Justice Kennedy siding with the court’s conservative wing.

The new restrooms will still be twofold. However, gay men will now share one facility with straight women and gay women will share the other with straight men. “The principle that applies here,” said Herman Watts, the restaurateur’s attorney, “cannot be found in any law book. I’m talking about the law of attraction. No straight guy wants to take a leak with a homosexual in the next urinal gawking at his junk. And no straight women can feel completely comfortable with a dyke in the next stall who wants to jump her bones.”

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NRA Promises Action After 12 Infants Die In Nursery Shooting

Tuesday, March 26th, 2013
NRA to sponsor free two-day clinic for toddlers regarding the proper use of assault weapons.

NRA to sponsor free two-day clinic for toddlers regarding the proper use of assault weapons.

Dothan, AL — A 17-month old toddler wielding an assault rifle opened fire today in the nursery of the Southeast Alabama Medical Center, killing 12 infants and wounding six more before two nurses wrestled the weapon from the child and put him in time out.

According to video surveillance, the diaper-clad assassin entered the hospital with his father at 9:32 a.m. The pair walked through the lobby without incident and boarded the elevator to the maternity ward, where the child’s mother had given birth to his sister the day before. It is not known at this time if the boy’s sister was among the victims, but sources close the family say the boy was not happy about being a big brother.

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Ryan Favors Tax Breaks for Blacks, Other Three-Fifths People

Thursday, March 21st, 2013
Paul Ryan’s new tax plan would treat blacks and other minorities as three-fifths of a person.

Paul Ryan’s new tax plan would treat blacks and other minorities as three-fifths of a person.

Washington, DC — Congressman Paul Ryan (R-Wisconsin) claims he has always had a soft spot for Article 1, Section 2, Paragraph 3 of the United States Constitution. His announcement today, he said, proves it. Standing on the Capitol steps, Ryan said a key feature of his new budget would be the treatment of blacks, Latinos and other minorities as three-fifths people in order to provide them with a proportionate, and unprecedented, tax break.

“Representatives and direct Taxes,” Ryan read from a clothbound copy of the Constitution, “shall be apportioned among the several States which may be included within this Union, according to their respective Numbers, which shall be determined by adding the whole Number of free persons…and, excluding Indians not taxed, three-fifths of all other Persons.”

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NRA Plans Mass Shooting Museum | Admission Free For Members

Monday, March 18th, 2013
An interactive exhibit allows visitors to select weapons and attempt to stop crazed shooters like Virginia Tech’s Seung-Hui Cho.

NRA museum’s interactive exhibit allows visitors to select weapons and attempt to stop crazed shooters like Virginia Tech’s Seung-Hui Cho.

Washington, DC — National Rifle Association president Wayne LaPierre announced today that the NRA will open a museum honoring those who have died in mass shootings in the United States over the past five decades. The opening is scheduled for December 14, the first anniversary of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting in Newtown, Connecticut when a lone gunman, armed with a Bushmaster semiautomatic rifle and two hand guns, slaughtered 20 children, ages 6 to 9, and six adults.

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House Republicans Oppose Outrage When Teens Are Slaughtered

Thursday, March 14th, 2013
Congressman Louie Gohmert (R-Texas) said he was unmoved by the testimony of parents of students who died in the Virginia Tech massacre on April 16, 2007.

Congressman Louie Gohmert (R-Texas) was unmoved by the testimony of parents of students who died in the Virginia Tech massacre in 2007.

Washington, DC — The House Republicans voted unanimously today to oppose being outraged when school children over the age of 9 are slaughtered by assault weapons. Democrats, on the other hand, voted unanimously in favor of being outraged. Privately, some Dems even admitted outrage when inner-city teens died at the hands of gunmen.

While acknowledging that the Sandy Hook tragedy should be motivation enough to begin putting modest gun control reforms in place — universal background checks, for example — Congressman Louie Gohmert (R-Texas), speaking for his GOP colleagues, said, “When 6, 7, 8 — heck, when 9 year olds die at the hand of some deranged psycho nutjob, we must act to prevent such heinous crimes from happening in the future.”

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Assad Begs UN To Be Placed On Endangered Species List

Monday, December 10th, 2012
Bashar al-Assad dons his favorite t-shirt, which may be purchased for $25 at Assad’s Endangered Species online store.

Bashar al-Assad dons his favorite t-shirt, which may be purchased for $25 at Assad’s Endangered Species online store.

Damascus — As Syrian rebels close in on Damascus, a beleaguered Bashar al-Assad, realizing his family’s four decade long grip on power is about to end, has begged the United Nations to declare him an endangered species. The move is not without precedent, although it has never been tried in the Middle East.

In December of 2008, former GOP presidential candidate John McCain was placed on the American Endangered Species List as a moderate Republican. According to the Endangered Species Act of 1973, McCain met the key requirement: a species that is likely to become extinct throughout all or a large portion of its range — i.e., Washington, D.C.

McCain became the first human added to the list which now contains nearly 1,400 plants and animals worldwide. It was rumored that South Carolina Senator Jim Demint, a Tea Party icon, would soon join his Senate colleague after the 2012 election, but Demint’s surprise resignation from the Senate to take a lucrative position as head of the Heritage Foundation allowed him to dismiss the need for federal protection.

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Romney To Star In Remake of “Fantasy Island” TV Series

Thursday, December 6th, 2012
The new Fantasy Island: Producers worry that scripts might not be outlandish enough to be viewed as fantasies by a nutjob audience.

The new Fantasy Island: Producers worry that scripts might not be outlandish enough to be viewed as fantasies by a nutjob audience.

Grand Cayman — Still licking his wounds from his loss of the presidential election, Mitt Romney encountered a little holiday cheer when the Fox network offered him the starring role in the upcoming remake of the once popular series “Fantasy Island,” which ran from 1977 to 1984. Rather than reprise Ricardo Montalban’s role as Mr. Roarke, however, the producers have created a new character for Romney: Mr. de Nile.

Having resolved the series’ lead, the network is now courting Donald Trump to play Romney’s sidekick. “We’ve decided to go stupid rather than small this time around,” said producer David O. Seltzer. Any attempt to replicate the iconic role of Tattoo, played by Hervé Villechaize, would invariably fall short, Seltzer insisted.

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Upset With White House Lunch Entrée, Romney Leaves 13% Tip

Thursday, November 29th, 2012

Romney eats crowWashington, DC — Mitt Romney finally got to the White House today, but it was a far cry from the triumphant entrance he dreamed of making prior to the presidential election. Arriving for his lunch with President Obama in a Cadillac SUV, Mr. Romney was greeted not by the president himself or by any senior staffer. Instead the former GOP presidential candidate turned private citizen was welcomed by an intern who was probably not even born by the time Romney made his third hundred million.

Yet Romney acted more stunned than miffed by the strange protocol. “I was prepared to slip whatever senior staffer greeted me a Benjamin. But when this kid shows up, who’s young enough to be my granddaughter, I didn’t know what to do,” he later said. “So I gave her a quarter and patted her on the head.”

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