Romney Presidential Campaign Opts for Dunk Tank To Choose VP


George Town, Grand Cayman — Taking a weekend respite from the presidential campaign trail, GOP front-runner and the man who would be king, Mitt Romney implemented a clever new recruitment plan for a running mate: a dunk tank.

U.S. Senator Marco Rubio, R-Fla., Waits to See if He is the Romney Presidential Campaign Choice for Vice President

U.S. Senator Marco Rubio, R-Fla., Waits to See if He is the Romney Presidential Campaign Choice for Vice President

In response to virtually all prominent Republicans with a future in politics deserting the Romney ship like rats even before it officially sets sail, Romney pleaded with potential VP nominees to listen to, or rather stand in the way of, his pitch. For the sake of the GOP, but with obvious reluctance, all assented—with the exception of House Majority Leader Eric Cantor, who feared that Romney and the Mormon Church might consider a dunking a baptism.

Romney’s one pitch, a knuckleball, has been clocked at 99.9 MPH and has a tendency to move in a corkscrew path, then veer right, sink like a stone and, on many occasions, do a total about-face and head right back to where it came from. So nobody really knows where the hell it will end up.

Still, that doesn’t make any of those sitting in the vice presidential wet seat any more comfortable. “I’m not going to be the vice president in 2012,” Senator Marco Rubio, R-Fla., told ABC News. And yet one good pitch could make him swallow his words, even before coming up for air.

Paul Ryan, the author of the Ryan Budget, which even the Catholic Church has called “immoral,” claims he has no interest in “playing second fiddle to Nero.” But again it’s not his call. Then there’s Romney’s good friend and presidential campaign booster Governor Chris Christie, R-N.J. He scoffs, “Do I look like somebody’s vice president?” Romney himself has expressed concerns that, should Christie get dunked, serious flooding could result, creating a tidal wave of negative publicity his presidential campaign can ill afford.

Finally, there’s South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley. She’s poised to take to the dunk tank platform fourth. Nevertheless, some Republican observers are so concerned about possible comparisons to Sarah Palin, given Haley’s short tenure in the governor’s mansion, they intend to distract Romney with spitballs made of ten thousand dollar bills during his windup.

Taking the weekend off from his presidential campaign as well, Rick Santorum dismissed the prospect of ending up on the GOP ticket with Romney, at least in a subordinate position. “Governor Romney simply doesn’t have the balls to pick me,” he said.

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3 Responses to “Romney Presidential Campaign Opts for Dunk Tank To Choose VP”

  1. Vandy Young Says:

    Rats leaving a sinking ship and all that…a great article and I will certainly follow the blog. You’re a
    funny but whip smart writer.

  2. Pedant Says:

    I love the description of the knuckleball. It certainly is a challenge to satirize a situation which is already so absurd without satire.

  3. Dan Brown Says:

    Thanks again, folks, for your kind words.

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