Presidential Campaign Vetting News | Haley OKs Vaginal Probe


Columbia, SC —In an effort to allay the fears of women who have mistakenly come to believe that a proposed state-government-mandated vaginal probe is an invasive medical procedure, GOP frontrunner and inevitable presidential nominee Mitt Romney enlisted pro-life, anti-Planned Parenthood Governor Nikki Haley, R-S.C., to help him put on a demonstration during a fundraiser for the Bristol Palin Foundation for Preteen Mothers.

Romney presidential campaign seeks to calm women’s fears about mandated vaginal probe; South Carolina Gov. Haley volunteers to be guinea pig.

Romney seeks to calm women’s fears about mandated vaginal probe; Gov. Haley volunteers to be guinea pig.

Smiling eagerly, Romney brought down the house when he feigned ignorance of what is involved in the controversially mandated procedure, and said, “Where the heck do I start?” When Haley gestured down there, straight-man Romney again played dumb. “You’re kidding,” he said. The nearly all-male audience roared its approval.

Haley didn’t seem to appreciate the levity of the situation. Furthermore, she was downright alarmed when four Romney staffers walked into the gathering carrying a medical exam table with what appeared to be diamond-encrusted stirrups. Haley fled.

But while Gov. Haley was troubled by Romney’s intentions, Romney presidential campaign senior advisor Eric Fehrnstrom was delighted. He characterized the mandated procedure as a new and effective litmus test for vetting potential female running mates. And Haley, he said, was clearly not out of the woods. “She can’t run if she tries to hide,” Fehrnstrom said.

And, in fact, Haley was unable to hide. Cornered by reporters as she left the building, a ruffled Haley said that what happened at the fundraiser was not what she “signed on for.” She called it “Limbaugh-tomized Romneycare,” one hundred times worse than Obamacare. Then, repeating her words from her recent appearance on The View, she said, “We don’t want government to mandate when we have to have it [a vaginal probe] and when we don’t. We want to be able to make that decision. We don’t need any government making that decision for us.”

When this seemed to fly in the face of her anti-choice position and her support for state-government-mandated vaginal probes, Haley was asked if she understood what a mandate is. “It’s exactly what it sounds like,” Haley retorted impatiently. “A date with a man. And I don’t think the government should be telling a woman what man she should date.”

Meanwhile, at the South Carolina State House, more than 300 Republican Senators have signed up to perform vaginal probes part-time. Curiously there are currently only 26 Republican State Senators.

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2 Responses to “Presidential Campaign Vetting News | Haley OKs Vaginal Probe”

  1. FLoy Jeffares Says:

    THis is hilarious! ESPECIALLY the “mandate” twist. Keep it up!

  2. Dan Brown Says:

    Thanks again, Floy. Glad to hear that these are as fun to read as they are for me to write!

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