Romney Presidential Campaign Seeks To Find New Winning Issue


In the wake Rick Santorum’s expected and, to many Republican long beards, overdue exit from the presidential campaign trail, coupled with an economy that’s adding hundreds of thousands of jobs month after month, and a Supreme Court poised to overturn Romneycare (a.k.a. Obamacare), Mitt Romney is suddenly adrift in a sea of “what da f—k!”

Romney presidential campaign in a quandary over possible Romneycare overturn by Supreme Court.

Romney presidential campaign in a quandary over possible Romneycare overturn by Supreme Court.

“We’re really not worried about Santorum’s departure per se, or even a recovering economy,” said Romney presidential campaign senior advisor Eric Fehrnstrom. “What does concern us, however, is the increasing likelihood that the US Supreme Court will overturn Romneycare.”

But isn’t that precisely what the former Massachusetts Governor wants? “Yes and no,” said Fehrnstrom. “Yes, the governor wants Romneycare gone. But, no, he can’t allow anyone to do it but himself.” And Fehrnstrom is not the only staffer who has registered concern. Romney presidential campaign psychiatrist Marvin K. Freud weighed in as well. “Und speaking psychoanalytically, za governor is in danger of suffering an ego implosion,” said the monocled Freud. “Und sometimes a cigar is just an exploding cigar.”

Dr. Freud explained that an ego implosion occurs when a person is prevented from doing a sudden 180 from what he once deeply believed in. In other words, should Romney become president, and Romneycare is no longer the law of land, President Romney would be powerless to reestablish Romneycare, given that the Supreme Court has the last word.

“Being in a position where he can’t suddenly do a 180 is totally alien to Mitt,” said Fehrnstrom. “Frankly, we’re all worried about him.” So aside from not mentioning the upcoming Supreme Court case when the governor is within earshot, the Romney presidential campaign is scrambling to find a new winning issue.

Romney himself was gung-ho for women’s suffrage, until he learned that the 19th Amendment, which prohibits any United States citizen from being denied the right to vote based on sex, was ratified nearly a century ago, on August 18, 1920. Astonished, an angry Romney said, “Damn it, why didn’t someone tell me women could already vote!”

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