Romney Sues Over Teflon | Claims Stupid Statements Sticking


WikiLeaks dropped a bombshell today, revealing that the Romney presidential campaign has sued DuPont, claiming that the all-natural, hypoallergenic Teflon-X coating the company applied to Mitt Romney’s face roughly one year ago did not work and in fact resulted in painful blistering.

The effectiveness of DuPont’s Teflon-X is challenged as the Romney presidential campaign sues, claiming the candidate’s previous stupid statements continue to stick to him.

DuPont’s all-natural, hypoallergenic Teflon-X coating fails to keep Romney’s stupid statements from sticking to him.

The Romney campaign based their case on the premise that Romney’s right-wing positions, espoused during a grueling battle for the Republican presidential nomination, have continued to dog him even as staffers attempted to Etch A Sketch them away just weeks ago.

According to Romney presidential campaign senior advisor Eric Fehrnstrom, reporters have been unwilling to allow the former Massachusetts governor and Bain Capital principal to pivot back to the center in an effort to capture moderate voters. “This is unconscionable behavior on the part of the liberal media,” said Fehrnstrom. “But it’s understandable, given the failure of Mitt’s Teflon coating to hold up under the magnifying glass.”

Fehrnstrom explained that Romney spared no expense when he spelled out to DuPont cosmetologists what he wanted done. Knowing he would be pandering relentlessly to right-wing nut-jobs during the Republican presidential primary, and knowing he’d need to do a quick about-face if he was to have a chance in the general election, Romney insisted upon the full Teflon-X treatment.

The treatment is several generations more advanced than the coating that had been successfully applied to Ronald Reagan, who, as a result, became famously known as the “Teflon President.” Less powerful options did exist, but the consensus of the DuPont team was that Romney needed the most powerful formula available, given his deficient “likeability” numbers versus Reagan’s.

What isn’t clear, however, is whether or not Teflon-X had passed clinical trials. According to WikiLeaks, Teflon-X had previously been tried only on laboratory rats and there were reports that at least two of the Teflon-X coated rats stuck to frying pans under relatively low heat.

Legal experts say that Romney may have had to sign a waiver prior to treatment, absolving DuPont of culpability should any of his pandering statements continue to stick to him once he pivoted toward the general election. But, said Fehrnstrom, Romney signed no such waiver. Nor was it signed by any member of his presidential campaign.

“As for that ‘sunburn’ we said Mitt got during a trip to Grand Cayman last fall,” Fehrnstrom added. “Now you know the truth.”

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