Romney Presidential Campaign Admits Bain Had Another Name


In a stunning and rare display of honesty, the presidential campaign of Mitt Romney confirmed a report from an anonymous source that the original name of Bain Capital was in fact Pain Capital. What’s more, the change didn’t happen overnight. There was no watershed moment.

Originally named Pain Capital, Bain changed its name after receiving 4,657,688 complaints from ex-employees of bankrupted companies.

Originally named Pain Capital, Bain changed its name after receiving 4,657,688 complaints from ex-employees of bankrupted companies.

“There have been many great Paynes in the financial world before,” said Skip Townsend, former Pain and current Bain CFO. “And to my knowledge, they all got by without having to deal with any foolishness about their surname.” Townsend saw no reason why the spelling of the name should be a factor either.

Romney, too, couldn’t fathom what all the fuss was about. “I really didn’t see a problem with the original name,” he confessed. “To my way of thinking, it had no negative connotations whatsoever.” The truth is, it was only after the firm received 4,657,688 complaints about the name from former employees of companies bankrupted by Pain that Romney began to suspect that some people were viewing the name differently than he did.

“I always believed that other people’s pain was a good thing, a reliable barometer for success,” said Romney with a bemused look. “Because that always meant a superb bottom line and stockholder happiness.” And with a net worth in excess of $250 million, Romney had clearly compiled a long string of pain-drenched bottom lines.

Nevertheless, after 4,657,688 complaints, Romney decided to flip what had become a flop. “In hindsight, I have to admit I thought it was a bit strange that no company we plundered put the ‘Welcome’ mat out for us,” he said. “And all of us thought those ‘F–k Off’ mats were just jokes.”

Added Romney presidential campaign senior advisor Eric Fehrnstrom, “It was a really a great learning experience for the governor. While a rose by any other name would smell as sweet, Pain by another name actually gave Bain unprecedented license to wreak havoc on struggling companies.”

“It’s like the bard said,” Fehrnstrom continued with a smile, “All’s well that ends.”

 

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One Response to “Romney Presidential Campaign Admits Bain Had Another Name”

  1. Zoleka Says:

    , the only way this Republic could be destroyed would be from wthiin. And it has happened. The United States is rotten to the core.When the president of United States request that Congress do something to help the people, Congress… Especially the republicans say no to proposals that they themselves originally proposed. Why is that? Because they would rather defeat Obama in the next election then do anything to help the people who sent them to Congress.McConnel said so at the beginning of this session of Congress. The republicans are finding the worst possible candidates that they can scrape up from the scum at the bottom of the barrel. The cause of the way that Obama is meddling in the affairs of Israel and may not vote for him the second time, but I would rather live with the tribe of Arabs for a year than ever vote for a member of the GOP.

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