Supreme Court Rules 5 to 4 Constitution Is Unconstitutional


King Mitt I of Utah

Mitt Romney hopes to return America to its royal glory days.

Washington, DC—Feeling intense pressure from the right to mend its ways since its recent liberal-leaning decisions to strike down most of Arizona’s immigration law and to uphold the Affordable Care Act, the United States Supreme Court ruled today that the US Constitution is unconstitutional, essentially dissolving our form of government and, with it, the scourge of socialism.

The immediate impact of the decision was relatively minor, however, since the Republican-led House has done virtually nothing for two years. Only one piece of legislation—the Barton-Pearce Drilling Act—has been passed since John Boehner took hold of the Speaker’s gavel in 2010. The legislation, which would have allowed oil companies to drill in Mrs. Obama’s White House vegetable garden, died in the Democratic-controlled Senate.

It looked for a while as if the Second Amendment—the Right to Bear Arms—would survive, but in the end even that was cast out. The court decided that the matter of arming paranoid, sadistic idiots with assault weapons should best be left to the states governed by paranoid, sadistic idiots who oppose the assault weapons ban.

Mitt Romney, despite the fact that his presidential campaign and megalomaniacal aspirations came to an abrupt halt with the decision, was ebullient, or as he said, “tickled pink.” Standing on the lush back lawn of his Lake Winnipesaukee home in Wolfeboro, New Hampshire, the ex-candidate said, “The Supreme Court made a courageous decision today. It’s what I’ve been saying all along: less is more when it comes to the federal government.”

Romney went on to say that the decision of the high court to abolish itself, in addition to the entire federal government, was akin to his immigration position of self-deportation. “It’s all about personal responsibility,” he said. “And knowing when to make a graceful exit.”

One surprising moment during court proceedings came when Justice Clarence Thomas spoke for the first time ever during questioning, asking if it was okay if he went to the men’s room. By a vote of 8 to 0, Thomas’s bathroom break was approved. He returned half an hour later and was told by Justice Scalia that he didn’t miss anything he would have understood anyway.

While the news of the court’s decision was received with enthusiasm by the Republican faithful, there was nevertheless some fallout. Three million angry, elderly Tea Partiers lined up outside Bain & Company headquarters demanding their Social Security checks. They were dispersed with tear gas by a legion of riot police.

In response to the uproar, Romney presidential campaign senior advisor Eric Fehrnstrom simply smiled and said, “Stupid is as stupid does.” Fehrnstrom said his boss had no immediate plans, but there are unconfirmed reports that Romney is hoping to be appointed King of Utah.

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