Romney’s Real Dad, Tin Man, Might Have Ended Up As A Bumper

Romney’s birth father believed to be the Tin Man

Romney’s birth father believed to be the Tin Man.

Mitt Romney was adopted. That bombshell comes at a time when Romney can ill afford it—in the wake of the presidential candidate’s insulting remarks about the allegedly lax security at the London Olympic games, which has stirred the ire of no less than British Prime Minister David Cameron. Romney also went on record to register his disgust over his favorite sport—dressage—not being afforded prime time coverage for two solid weeks but instead will be broadcast only on Mondays and Thursdays in the US from 4:00 to 5:30 am EST.

“Not showcasing the heart-thumping, nail-biting sport of dressage,” Romney said in an address to the House of Lords, “is, frankly, an insult to the great Anglo-Saxon traditions which America and Great Britain share.” Off the record, but within earshot of one microphone, Romney said he felt that he and his fellow one-percenters back home in the colonies were getting “royally screwed.”

Yet Romney’s controversial remarks about the Olympics paled in comparison to the news of his adoption. The official birth certificate reveals that Romney’s real father was not former Michigan governor and American Motors CEO George Romney, but the Tin Man of The Wizard of Oz, who famously travelled to the Emerald City in search of a heart. Romney, like his birth father, was born without a heart; in its place, a treadmill powered by an undocumented Latino hamster pumps ice water through his veins.

Worse for Romney is evidence that suggests he had his father killed and melted down in 1994 (to avoid any potential embarrassment while campaigning against Ted Kennedy for the US Senate) during what the latter expected to be a routine lube job. Mr. Tin Man was subsequently shipped overseas to a Toyota manufacturing plant where he reportedly was “reborn” as the rear bumper for a 1995 Camry sedan. In a worldwide search for Mr. Tin Man’s remains, the FBI and CIA are using Cairn Terriers, like Toto, especially trained to detect the presence of tin in steel.

Romney presidential campaign senior advisor Eric Fehrnstrom dismissed the murder and meltdown charges, as well as the authenticity of the birth certificate, saying with obvious sarcasm that if the governor’s real father were a bumper for a 1995 Toyota, then Jimmy Hoffa was a carpet for his Cadillac SUV. Massachusetts police subsequently acquired a search warrant for Romney’s car to see if any of Hoffa’s DNA is contained in the carpet fibers. A similar warrant was acquired by the La Jolla police department to search his wife Ann’s vehicle.

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2 Responses to “Romney’s Real Dad, Tin Man, Might Have Ended Up As A Bumper”

  1. Diane Says:

    Very funny. Now if he only had a brain, too!

  2. danbbrown Says:

    That would be too much to hope for, I think. Obviously Romney’s recent remarks about the Olympics lend proof to the claim he is not only tactless, but brainless as well.

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