June Cleaver Replaces Ann Romney As GOP Convention Speaker

Iconic 1950’s mom June Cleaver with sons Beaver and Wally

Iconic 1950’s mom June Cleaver with sons Beaver and Wally

Tampa—And you thought Isaac was the biggest storm to hit Tampa this week. In a move that has both delighted and shocked Republicans, Ann Romney has relinquished her featured speaker role at the GOP Convention on Tuesday night to her old friend and childhood neighbor June Cleaver.

“June and I have been simpatico since the day we met,” beamed an excited Mrs. Romney, who said the iconic 1950’s mom once rescued young Ann when she got her skirt caught as she tried to jump, on horseback, the Cleavers’ white picket fence.

“You never forget that sort of kindness,” said Mrs. Romney with tears in her eyes. “You can just imagine the embarrassment of being stuck there with my underwear showing.” Mrs. Romney said that before Mrs. Cleaver rescued her, Eddie Haskell teased her, relentlessly reciting I see England/I see France/I see Annie’s underpants.

The topic of June Cleaver’s speech is unknown, but insiders say it will have nothing to do with the sick joke that circulated for years, claiming that the prim and proper Mrs. Cleaver once uttered the dirtiest words ever spoken on television: “Ward, you were pretty hard on the Beaver last night.” Making this subject taboo was not without consequences, however. Hundreds of GOP delegates now plan to boycott Mrs. Cleaver’s speech and patronize local strip clubs instead.

As for Mrs. Romney, she couldn’t have been more delighted to turn over the microphone to June Cleaver. “June Cleaver is, and always will be, the perfect American mother. There is simply no one in America today, myself included, who can better articulate the concerns and issues facing modern American women.”

Mrs. Romney said that while it’s unlikely that any true blue-blooded American woman could raise two boys today without the help of at least four housekeepers, she did not fault Mrs. Cleaver personally. “Nobody’s perfect,” she conceded. “Besides, June did the best she could with the paltry allowance Ward provided.”

According to Mitt Romney presidential campaign senior advisor Eric Fehrnstrom, Mrs. Cleaver declined a mid six-figure speaking fee. However, Fehrnstrom did confirm that she accepted, as a token of the GOP’s appreciation, a very small island in the Caymans.

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