Ryan Blames Obama For Dinosaur Extinction | Time Travel Used


According to Republican VP nominee Paul Ryan, President Obama caused the extinction of the dinosaurs 5,000 years ago.

According to Republican VP nominee Paul Ryan, President Obama caused the extinction of the dinosaurs 5,000 years ago.

Tampa—In a daring second act to his historic convention speech, which even Fox News noted was packed with outrageous lies and a failure to fess up to his own voting record in Congress, Paul Ryan has now blamed President Obama for the extinction of the dinosaurs.

“Just as President Obama was able to go back in time to facilitate the closing of a GM plant in Wisconsin in December of 2008,” Ryan said, “so too the president was able to travel back in time 5,000 years to cause the extinction of the dinosaurs.”

Ryan did not elaborate on the nature of the time machine used by the president, but insisted it was not a GM SUV. Those vehicles were being manufactured in the plant Obama closed roughly two months before he assumed the presidency. “My guess,” said Ryan, “is that the time machine was probably a Toyota or a Volkswagen.”

Ryan was also vague when it came to how President Obama, once he reached the time period in question—actually 65 million years ago, making Ryan’s estimate off by 64,995,000 years—could have caused the mass extinction. “I suspect it was some kind of voodoo that he learned from his father,” Ryan said. “Manipulating the trajectory of a meteor 10 kilometers across is no big deal for a Kenyan.” Ryan pointed out that Kenyan 10K mastery has long been undisputed.

“The really sad thing,” Ryan went on, “is that President Obama’s economic and social policies will, if he is re-elected, have the same impact on the world as that meteor did in Biblical times.” Ryan claimed that the killing of the dinosaurs disrupted the normal flow of human progress. “There’s no telling how rapidly human civilization might have developed had the dinosaurs survived,” he said. It was in fact dinosaurs that helped the ancient Egyptians build the pyramids and the Druids move massive stones across Salisbury Plain to create Stonehenge.

Ryan wasn’t all about doom and gloom, however. He assured voters that should he and Mr. Romney win the election this fall, they would not abuse the presidential time machine. “We’ll set a course for 1855 and, rest assured, that’s where we’ll stay,” he said.

Romney presidential campaign senior advisor Eric Fehrnstrom went a step further. “Governor Romney feels a strong kinship with the gentle giants of the past,” he said. “In fact he believes we Republicans are all dinosaurs.”

 

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4 Responses to “Ryan Blames Obama For Dinosaur Extinction | Time Travel Used”

  1. danbbrown Says:

    Thanks so much, Cheryl! I still have a little ways to go to catch up to Andy Borowitz in readership. Whatever you can do to spread the word to any friends or colleagues you think would enjoy the blog, I’d very much appreciate it. Hope you didn’t hurt yourself when you ended up on the floor!

  2. Diane Says:

    This whole series of posts is absolutely hilarious! Love your book too!

  3. danbbrown Says:

    Thanks so much! Glad to hear it.

  4. Daniel Says:

    First off I would like to say great blog! I had a quick question that I’d like to ask if you don’t mind. I was intteeserd to find out how you center yourself and clear your mind prior to writing. I’ve had a hard time clearing my thoughts in getting my thoughts out. I do enjoy writing but it just seems like the first 10 to 15 minutes are generally lost just trying to figure out how to begin. Any suggestions or tips? Kudos!

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