Romney Pays $39K Fine for Overdue Library Book From 1954


Mitt Romney’s favorite book since he was seven appealed to his love of piracy, tropical islands and buried treasure.

Mitt Romney’s favorite book since he was seven appealed to his love of piracy, tropical islands and buried treasure.

Wolfeboro, NH—As if the alleged theft of his tax returns weren’t enough to keep him up nights, Mitt Romney learned on Wednesday that he owed a $39,869.27 fine due to his failure to return a book he took out from the Bloomfield Hills Public Library on June 23, 1954 when he was seven years old. The book—Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stevenson—turns out to be one of the GOP presidential nominee’s favorites.

“It’s been on his bedside table ever since I can remember,” Ann Romney confessed. “Mitt simply idolized Long John Silver. He always wanted to be a pirate. And, well, you know, he loves tropical islands and burying treasure, too.” Mrs. Romney claimed she had no idea the book had been overdue for nearly six decades. Furthermore, she thought it suspicious that the matter should come to light during the same week Romney’s taxes returns were allegedly stolen.

Mrs. Romney said that her husband was distraught over the incident and cut a check for the full fine immediately. He also sweetened the deal by donating a new copy of the famous book to the library, which he autographed Long John Romney. Mrs. Romney confided that until the day he retroactively left Bain & Company in 1999, Mr. Romney would sign off on corporate takeover and bankruptcy documents with the initials LJR.

As for the controversy regarding the overdue library book, Mrs. Romney hoped it was now history. “You have to say this for my husband,” she said, “when he gets caught—I mean, when a matter is brought to his attention—he always squares his accounts.” Was Mrs. Romney implying what many have speculated: that Mitt Romney violated US laws by tucking away tens of millions in Swiss bank accounts and the Cayman Islands to avoid taxes, then subsequently entered into an agreement with the IRS to pay the required fines in return for amnesty?

Mrs. Romney stiffened. “You people never give up, do you?” she said with her voice cracking. “Mitt Romney is as honest as the day is long and I’m not going to say any more about the matter.” Mrs. Romney did not clarify whether she was talking about the longest or the shortest day of the year or some day in between. But that meant little to Democrats who believe Mr. Romney has not had a brush with the truth during his entire presidential campaign.

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One Response to “Romney Pays $39K Fine for Overdue Library Book From 1954”

  1. danbbrown Says:

    I’ve been a fan of Andy Borowitz for quite some time. So I take your comment as the highest praise. Thanks very much!

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