Assad Begs UN To Be Placed On Endangered Species List

Bashar al-Assad dons his favorite t-shirt, which may be purchased for $25 at Assad’s Endangered Species online store.

Bashar al-Assad dons his favorite t-shirt, which may be purchased for $25 at Assad’s Endangered Species online store.

Damascus — As Syrian rebels close in on Damascus, a beleaguered Bashar al-Assad, realizing his family’s four decade long grip on power is about to end, has begged the United Nations to declare him an endangered species. The move is not without precedent, although it has never been tried in the Middle East.

In December of 2008, former GOP presidential candidate John McCain was placed on the American Endangered Species List as a moderate Republican. According to the Endangered Species Act of 1973, McCain met the key requirement: a species that is likely to become extinct throughout all or a large portion of its range — i.e., Washington, D.C.

McCain became the first human added to the list which now contains nearly 1,400 plants and animals worldwide. It was rumored that South Carolina Senator Jim Demint, a Tea Party icon, would soon join his Senate colleague after the 2012 election, but Demint’s surprise resignation from the Senate to take a lucrative position as head of the Heritage Foundation allowed him to dismiss the need for federal protection.

As for Assad, according to the World Conservation Monitoring Centre (WCMC), he does indeed seem a likely candidate for United Nations protection. Middle East despots have taken a significant hit over the last decade with Saddam Hussein, Muammar Gaddafi and Hosni Mubarak all being deposed, the former two dying in the process. But again, adding a human to the International Endangered Species list is without precedent.

However, if the sanction against doing so is lifted, Assad will join a subspecies of the dorcas gazelle, the Saudi Arabian gazelle, as the latest Middle Eastern resident to be added to the international list. The Saudi Arabian gazelle, as other gazelles, is known for its loping grace and exceptional speed. Sources close to Assad say the dictator can run like a Saudi Arabian gazelle and feel he will soon be granted the opportunity to prove it.

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