Ryan Favors Tax Breaks for Blacks, Other Three-Fifths People

Paul Ryan’s new tax plan would treat blacks and other minorities as three-fifths of a person.

Paul Ryan’s new tax plan would treat blacks and other minorities as three-fifths of a person.

Washington, DC — Congressman Paul Ryan (R-Wisconsin) claims he has always had a soft spot for Article 1, Section 2, Paragraph 3 of the United States Constitution. His announcement today, he said, proves it. Standing on the Capitol steps, Ryan said a key feature of his new budget would be the treatment of blacks, Latinos and other minorities as three-fifths people in order to provide them with a proportionate, and unprecedented, tax break.

“Representatives and direct Taxes,” Ryan read from a clothbound copy of the Constitution, “shall be apportioned among the several States which may be included within this Union, according to their respective Numbers, which shall be determined by adding the whole Number of free persons…and, excluding Indians not taxed, three-fifths of all other Persons.”

While treating black slaves as three-fifths of a person for the purpose of determining a state’s representation in the United States House went away with the passing of the 13th Amendment, reinstituting the formula for the purpose of taxation would in effect give blacks and other minorities a 40% tax break right off the top. The remaining 60% of a person, Ryan explained, would be taxed as a whole American.

Criticized in the past for saying he would never have supported Affirmative Action, even during its infancy when it enjoyed substantial popular support, Ryan said that his proposed 40% off-the-top tax break for blacks ought to lay to rest any suspicion of him being a racist. “If the Constitution, as it was originally written and ratified,” Ryan said, “was good enough for the likes of Thomas Jefferson, it sure as heck is good enough for an ordinary guy like me.”

House Speaker John Boehner echoed the sentiments of fellow Republicans throughout Washington. “Frankly, I think a 40% tax break for those people is not only the most brilliant fiscal notion in a generation, but the most compassionate as well.”

Fox News called the new Ryan plan a “roadmap for GOP victory in 2014 and beyond.”

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2 Responses to “Ryan Favors Tax Breaks for Blacks, Other Three-Fifths People”

  1. Joanne Says:

    Well, gee, I seem to remember that women were not counted in this article of the Constitution. Does that mean I get to pay NO taxes?

  2. danbrown Says:

    I’m not sure, Joanne. When the Constitution was written I think women were also considered to be three-fifths people, although when a woman was pregnant her value would have included the value of the fetus, which would have been at least three-fifths. Speaking fractionally then, a pregnant women would have been more of a person than a man. True even for a black woman, I guess. Oh, horror!

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