NRA Promises Action After 12 Infants Die In Nursery Shooting

NRA to sponsor free two-day clinic for toddlers regarding the proper use of assault weapons.

NRA to sponsor free two-day clinic for toddlers regarding the proper use of assault weapons.

Dothan, AL — A 17-month old toddler wielding an assault rifle opened fire today in the nursery of the Southeast Alabama Medical Center, killing 12 infants and wounding six more before two nurses wrestled the weapon from the child and put him in time out.

According to video surveillance, the diaper-clad assassin entered the hospital with his father at 9:32 a.m. The pair walked through the lobby without incident and boarded the elevator to the maternity ward, where the child’s mother had given birth to his sister the day before. It is not known at this time if the boy’s sister was among the victims, but sources close the family say the boy was not happy about being a big brother.

Hospital staffers remained in shock during the immediate aftermath and only a few were able to express their feelings about the tragedy. “We all thought he was just this cute little boy with a toy gun,” said Martha Ann Huckfinster, RN. “We had no idea he was a cold-blooded killer.”

In Washington, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell spoke eloquently about the tragedy and the need to keep assault weapons out of the hands of “deranged ankle-biters.” However, meaningful legislative action is still in doubt, particularly given the failed attempts of Congress to pass stricter gun control laws in the wake of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting in December when 20 children, ages 6 to 9, were slaughtered by a lone gunman.

“It’s different this time,” said McConnell. “These were infants, for goodness sake.” McConnell claimed he knew at least one red state Senator who would now consider supporting an assault weapons ban.

Meanwhile, NRA president Wayne LaPierre, at an impromptu press conference, expressed his outrage. “When 12 infants die so suddenly, so senselessly,” he said, “it’s clear we need to do whatever is humanly possible to curb America’s unnaturally high infant mortality rate.” LaPierre pointed out that the US currently ranks 34th worldwide in infant mortality, slightly behind Cuba (33), Croatia (32) and Greece (27), but well behind Spain (13), Slovenia (10) and the Czech Republic (8). Singapore, Iceland and Japan are 1, 2 and 3.

“Seriously, the Czech Republic?” LaPierre said shaking his head. “Come on, America. We can do better.” LaPierre said that the NRA would sponsor a free two-day “Gotta Getta Gun” clinic in June for toddlers regarding the proper use of assault weapons. Parents are asked to bring a lunch and a snack for their child as well as a blanket for naptime. Ammunition is free.

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