Supreme Court Mandates New Signage For Public Restrooms


In an effort to curb unwanted same-sex sexual advances, new restrooms will group gay men with straight women and gay women with straight men.

In an effort to curb unwanted same-sex sexual advances, new restrooms will group gay men with straight women and gay women with straight men.

Washington, DC — In a decision that has sign manufacturers scrambling to meet an unprecedented demand, the Supreme Court voted to uphold an Iowa restaurant’s right to divide their restrooms in a way that the owner’s lawyer argued was “more in keeping with the times.” The vote was 5 to 4, with Justice Kennedy siding with the court’s conservative wing.

The new restrooms will still be twofold. However, gay men will now share one facility with straight women and gay women will share the other with straight men. “The principle that applies here,” said Herman Watts, the restaurateur’s attorney, “cannot be found in any law book. I’m talking about the law of attraction. No straight guy wants to take a leak with a homosexual in the next urinal gawking at his junk. And no straight women can feel completely comfortable with a dyke in the next stall who wants to jump her bones.”

The attorney for the Iowa Board of Public Restrooms argued that while the current division of public restrooms by sex admittedly made for some “uncomfortable moments of non-mutual attraction,” the laws of attraction themselves were not legally binding.

“Obviously, sir, you’ve never had your butt ogled in a public restroom,” said Justice Antonin Scalia. “I’ve said for years there damn well ought to be a law against it.”

Speaking for the majority, Scalia called the landmark decision “a much needed palliative for an increasingly gay world. After all, you go to the john for relief. If you feel threatened when you’re taking care of business, that sense of relief is diminished.”

Scalia went on to say that it was bad enough having an old, possibly homosexual man standing in the Supreme Court restroom waiting to hand him a towel while he was taking a leak. The thought of having a homosexual sneak up behind him when he was so defenseless was simply intolerable.

Countering Scalia, Justice Sonia Sotomayor said “while I applaud the restaurateur’s recognition of gays as equal citizens, is it not more arbitrary to divide restroom access according to sexual attraction than by sex?”

Watts raised his eyebrows but offered no reply. “Big dyke,” Scalia muttered. “See you in the restroom.”

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