Romney To Star In Remake of “Fantasy Island” TV Series

Thursday, December 6th, 2012
The new Fantasy Island: Producers worry that scripts might not be outlandish enough to be viewed as fantasies by a nutjob audience.

The new Fantasy Island: Producers worry that scripts might not be outlandish enough to be viewed as fantasies by a nutjob audience.

Grand Cayman — Still licking his wounds from his loss of the presidential election, Mitt Romney encountered a little holiday cheer when the Fox network offered him the starring role in the upcoming remake of the once popular series “Fantasy Island,” which ran from 1977 to 1984. Rather than reprise Ricardo Montalban’s role as Mr. Roarke, however, the producers have created a new character for Romney: Mr. de Nile.

Having resolved the series’ lead, the network is now courting Donald Trump to play Romney’s sidekick. “We’ve decided to go stupid rather than small this time around,” said producer David O. Seltzer. Any attempt to replicate the iconic role of Tattoo, played by Hervé Villechaize, would invariably fall short, Seltzer insisted. (more…)

Romney Pays Schirripa $25 Million To Play Gov Chris Christie

Saturday, November 3rd, 2012
Lookalikes New Jersey Governor Chris Christie and former “Sopranos” star Steve Schirripa

Lookalikes New Jersey Governor Chris Christie and former “Sopranos” star Steve Schirripa

New York— Ex-“Sopranos” star Steve Schirripa, who famously blasted President Barack Obama in May of 2010 for the comments the president made at the White House Correspondents’ Association dinner about the reality television series “Jersey Shore,” has agreed to play the role of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie for the Romney campaign.

“Back in 2010, Obama got under my skin when I found out he’d been watching ‘Jersey Shore’ instead of, you know, running the (expletive deleted) country,” said Schirripa. “So when the Romney campaign offered me $25 million to pretend I was Chris Christie and campaign for Romney in Ohio, I jumped at the chance.” (more…)

Undecided Voter To Car Guy Romney: Show Me The MITTFAX!

Saturday, October 27th, 2012
An Ohio man, concerned about the Mitt Romney’s total lack of transparency and candor, wants the presidential candidate to “Show Me The MITTFAX!”

An Ohio man, concerned about the Mitt Romney’s total lack of transparency and candor, wants the presidential candidate to “Show Me The MITTFAX!”

Columbus, OH—As the presidential campaign heads into its final spin cycle, undecided voters in battleground states are demanding that Mitt Romney “Show Me The MITTFAX!” Up to now, Romney has managed to go further and longer than any presidential candidate in history while providing almost no detailed information about himself or his policies.

On the economy Romney has promised a 20% across-the-board tax cut that would add $5 trillion to the deficit. Romney has said this is not true because he said it was not true, but has offered zero information about what deductions or programs he would eliminate to offset the $5 trillion.

In the area of healthcare, Romney has repeatedly said that he would repeal and replace Obamacare, but has yet to say what he would replace it with. The only detail he has provided is that his plan would cover pre-existing conditions. But what he has failed to say audibly is that his plan would only provide such coverage if a policyholder had continuous coverage. This provision has already been law—since 1998. (more…)

Mitt Courts Women By Supporting “God Intends Rape” Candidate

Thursday, October 25th, 2012
Mitt Romney endorses Indiana Senate candidate Richard Mourdock who said on Tuesday that a child born of rape is “something that God intended to happen.”

Mitt Romney endorses Indiana Senate candidate Richard Mourdock who said on Tuesday that a child born of rape is “something that God intended to happen.”

Cincinnati—Making a campaign stop at the First Watch Cafe in Cincinnati, Ohio, Mitt Romney ignored questions regarding his support of Indiana Senate candidate Richard Mourdock. “Can’t I just enjoy a cup of coffee without being hounded about trivial issues?” he said testily.

At issue is a statement Mourdock made during his debate on Tuesday night against Democratic challenger Rep. Joe Donnelly. “I struggled with it myself for a long time, but I came to realize life is that gift from God,” he said. “And I think even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that it is something that God intended to happen.

While the remark—suggesting that God created rape and saw afterwards that, like light, it was good—shocked Democrats and other civilized Americans, it was greeted as business as usual by the GOP. “The Republican Party is a big tent,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. “We’ve made room for people of all points of view.” (more…)

Fox News Admits Statements of Idiocy, Not Idiotic Statements

Monday, October 22nd, 2012
Professor Gerund Metcalf, a grammarian from Bob Jones University, explains the critical difference between the phrases “act of terror” and “terrorist act”.

Professor Gerund Metcalf, a grammarian from Bob Jones University, explains the critical difference between the phrases “act of terror” and “terrorist act”.

New York—Chief among Fox News’ denouncements of President Obama’s foreign policy has been his response to the attack on the Libyan consulate, which resulted in the deaths of four Americans, including ambassador Chris Stevens. According to the right-wing cable news network, the president misrepresented the attack on the consulate from day one when, during a Rose Garden speech, he labeled it an “act of terror”.

Appearing on Fox News with Sean Hannity, grammarian Gerund Metcalf of Bob Jones University claimed that calling the attack an “act of terror” is definitely not the same as calling it a “terrorist act,” which, as more evidence comes to light, it seems to have been. “For one thing, the phrase the president used contained the word ‘of’,” Professor Metcalf pointed out, “while ‘terrorist act’ clearly does not.” (more…)

Romney Won’t Wear Truth Detector At Next Presidential Debate

Friday, October 12th, 2012
Governor Mitt Romney during a 2009 audit by the Internal Revenue Service. The results have remained secret.

Governor Mitt Romney during a 2009 audit by the Internal Revenue Service. The results have remained secret.

Columbus—Mitt Romney told so many lies during the first presidential debate that even the Obama campaign rejected the suggestion by the presidential debate commission to wire both candidates with lie detectors during the second debate on October 16, saying it would be disruptive and distracting to have Romney’s lie detector blaring every five seconds or so.

Unfortunately, the Romney campaign has also said that under no circumstances will their candidate wear a truth detector which, had Romney been so wired during the first debate, would have gone off only once: when the Republican presidential nominee mentioned that he had five sons. (more…)

Romney Says 7.8 Unemployment Counts Jobs He Created In China

Monday, October 8th, 2012
Chinese factory workers in Beijing express their thanks to Mitt Romney and Bain & Company for creating their jobs.

Chinese factory workers in Beijing express their thanks to Mitt Romney and Bain & Company for creating their jobs.

Richmond—Campaigning in Virginia today, Mitt Romney downplayed the unexpectedly auspicious unemployment report issued on Friday by the Bureau of Labor Statistics, calling it misleading, corrupted by bogus data and “not what a real recovery looks like” anyway. Romney claimed the drop from 8.1% to 7.8% happened only because “some junior level pencil pusher” at the BLS inadvertently included 119,000 jobs that he, Governor Romney, created in China through his Bain investments.

In previous months Romney had sought to distance himself from his investments in China, but any downside those dealings have entailed quickly faded with the dramatic appearance of Romney’s now infamous 47% video, which has since become the dominant albatross of the Romney presidential campaign. (more…)

Romney Says Zingers Will Prove He’s “The Great Mass Debater”

Tuesday, October 2nd, 2012
Romney faces off against Rick Perry during one of more than a dozen Republican Primary debates.

Romney faces off against Rick Perry during one of more than a dozen Republican Primary debates.

Denver—With the first presidential debate on tap for Wednesday, Mitt Romney has been doing his best to portray President Obama as a silver-tongued, Washington politician who can make almost any poison apple seem appetizing. Romney warned Americans not to be fooled by the president’s fancy rhetoric during the debate, but instead to pay close attention to his clever zingers, which he’s been practicing for months.

“No amount of flowery words can hide a record of failure,” Romney said to a small group of billionaire donors during a weekend fundraiser. Calling President Obama the consummate debater in what many believe to be a tactic to lower expectations regarding his own debate skills, Romney blamed Obama’s “activist obstructionism” for creating Washington gridlock, high unemployment, a slow moving recovery and the break-up of The Beatles. (more…)

After His Outrageous 47% Remarks, Romney Faces A Big FU

Friday, September 21st, 2012
Freeloaders United, a group spawned by Mitt Romney’s 47% remarks, already boasts 130 million Twitter followers.

Freeloaders United, a group spawned by Mitt Romney’s 47% remarks, already boasts 130 million Twitter followers.

Highland Park, TX—In the aftermath of his damaging remarks to potential donors at a Boca Raton fundraiser, Mitt Romney has avoided campaigning in battleground states and instead has retreated to the red state of Texas. Friendly territory? Apparently not. Turns out it’s harder than Romney thought to avoid the 47% of Americans, roughly 150 million people, whom he disdainfully dismissed as self-proclaimed victims—shiftless freeloaders dependent on the federal government for survival.

In fact the Romney rally at the strikingly beautiful Spanish Colonial-style town hall in Highland Park seemed to be populated by more Obama supporters than those still loyal to the besieged former Bain CEO. Dominant among the anti-Romney forces was a group that identified itself as Freeloaders United. Many in the group wore black t-shirts or held signs that bore only the letters FU. (more…)

Romney Claims To Have Hard Evidence Of Obama Apology Tour

Tuesday, September 18th, 2012
One of more than three dozen unauthenticated photos that the Romney campaign says proves the existence of an official Obama Apology Tour.

One of more than three dozen unauthenticated photos that the Romney campaign says proves the existence of an official Obama Apology Tour.

Richmond—Campaigning in Virginia today, Mitt Romney took his attack against what he had previously called President Obama’s “disgraceful” handling of the volatile and tragic situation in Libya and Egypt to a new level. And this time the Republican presidential nominee had ammunition to back up his position: a stack of 8 x 10 glossy photos which allegedly came from an unnamed source inside the Pentagon whom Romney said had the highest clearance for classified military intelligence. (more…)