Democrats Hit Voter Suppression with No Heart, No Vote Bill

Sunday, September 16th, 2012
Democratic lawmakers in Ohio respond to GOP voter suppression with “No Heart, No Vote!” bill.

Democratic lawmakers in Ohio respond to GOP voter suppression with “No Heart, No Vote!” bill.

Columbus—If you think Democrats are standing idly by when it comes to Republican voter suppression in battleground states, think again. Consider Ohio. Republicans currently rule the roost and, most recently, have taken measures to curtail voting hours in a not-so-subtle attempt to the suppress minority vote which strongly favors President Obama. Democrats fought back and managed to gain some concessions, including the restoration of voting hours during the weekend immediately preceding the election.

But Democrats have not stopped there. A new bill—dubbed No Heart, No Vote—introduced on the floor of the Ohio House of Representatives today calls for Republican voters to prove that they have hearts by answering one simple question: Do you support the Ryan Budget? Anyone who answers “yes” will not be allowed to vote. (more…)

At Mitt Romney Iowa Rally, Swiss Flag Mix-up Goes Unnoticed

Wednesday, September 12th, 2012
Farmers at a Romney rally in Iowa wave Swiss flags.

Farmers at a Romney rally in Iowa wave Swiss flags.

Des Moines—Nothing seemed out of the ordinary at an Iowa rally for Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney. The monochromatic, 50-plus demographic of nearly two hundred farm country Americans were—with contained enthusiasm—applauding and waving flags as similar crowds had done for Mr. Romney as he hopscotched from one battleground state to another. The only difference was that the flags they were waving were Swiss.

Apparently a Romney staffer inadvertently checked the wrong box on the flag order form and consequently it was Swiss rather than American flags that were shipped to the rally site. The real surprise, however, was that not a single member of the Romney team had realized a mistake was made. Per normal pre-rally preparations, the Swiss flags were distributed to the audience just as American flags had been passed out at other rallies. (more…)

Romney, Ryan, Republicans Diagnosed With Severe Dyslexia

Monday, September 10th, 2012
Doctors confirm that Romney-Ryan and Congressional Republicans see world through dyslexic eyes.

Doctors confirm that Romney-Ryan and Congressional Republicans see world through dyslexic eyes.

Tampa—Though largely unnoticed by American voters, GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney, running mate Paul Ryan and virtually every Republican in Congress have apparently been suffering from severe dyslexia since the Reagan years. What’s more, the disorienting condition might never have been diagnosed had not Mitt Romney chosen to ask the American people, “Are you better off now than you were four years ago?”

While most Americans are split on the issue, nearly all Republicans have answered with a resounding “No!” The reality, however, is quite different from the perception. According to a Gallup poll taken roughly four years ago, only 25% of Americans approved of the job George Bush was doing, the lowest rating ever for a departing president. Today, according to Gallup, those numbers are reversed—with President Obama’s job approval coming in at 52%.

The conclusion? (more…)

Romney Pays $39K Fine for Overdue Library Book From 1954

Friday, September 7th, 2012
Mitt Romney’s favorite book since he was seven appealed to his love of piracy, tropical islands and buried treasure.

Mitt Romney’s favorite book since he was seven appealed to his love of piracy, tropical islands and buried treasure.

Wolfeboro, NH—As if the alleged theft of his tax returns weren’t enough to keep him up nights, Mitt Romney learned on Wednesday that he owed a $39,869.27 fine due to his failure to return a book he took out from the Bloomfield Hills Public Library on June 23, 1954 when he was seven years old. The book—Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stevenson—turns out to be one of the GOP presidential nominee’s favorites.

“It’s been on his bedside table ever since I can remember,” Ann Romney confessed. “Mitt simply idolized Long John Silver. He always wanted to be a pirate. And, well, you know, he loves tropical islands and burying treasure, too.” Mrs. Romney claimed she had no idea the book had been overdue for nearly six decades. Furthermore, she thought it suspicious that the matter should come to light during the same week Romney’s taxes returns were allegedly stolen.

Mrs. Romney said that her husband was distraught over the incident and cut a check for the full fine immediately. He also sweetened the deal by donating a new copy of the famous book to the library, which he autographed Long John Romney. Mrs. Romney confided that until the day he retroactively left Bain & Company in 1999, Mr. Romney would sign off on corporate takeover and bankruptcy documents with the initials LJR. (more…)

Romney-Ryan Makes Burger King Official Campaign Restaurant

Tuesday, September 4th, 2012
As part of their new partnership with the Romney-Ryan campaign, Burger King will introduce the Romney-Ryan Whopper on September 15.

As part of their new partnership with the Romney-Ryan campaign, Burger King will introduce the Romney-Ryan Whopper on September 15.

Wolfeboro, NH—In the wake of Paul Ryan’s and Mitt Romney’s GOP Convention speeches, the Republican ticket announced today that Burger King is now the official restaurant for their campaign. “Given the highly fiction-based nature of our speeches,” Romney said, “choosing ‘The Home of Whopper’ as our official campaign eatery seemed like a no-brainer.”

Republican Vice Presidential nominee Paul Ryan—dressed in black Spandex and sweating profusely after competing in the Wolfeboro Labor Day Ironman Triathlon, which he claimed to have won in world record time—concurred. “We see this partnership as a perfect way to keep the momentum we’ve gained at the convention going,” he said with a boyish grin. “And, frankly, it’s a short hop from slinging burgers to mudslinging.” (more…)

GOP Delegates Insist On Extra Set of Bed Sheets And Scissors

Sunday, August 26th, 2012
GOP National Convention delegates, chronic sufferers from night sweats, requested extra sets of sheets from Tampa hotels.

GOP Convention delegates, chronic sufferers from night sweats, requested extra sets of sheets from Tampa hotels.

Tampa—In a move that has Tampa hotel managers and staff scurrying to meet demand, the Republican National Committee has insisted that the hotels provide an extra set of white bed sheets and fabric scissors in the rooms of every GOP delegate. Reince Priebus, Chairman of the RNC, was vague when asked why the request was made, saying only that airport security would not allow passengers to pack fabric scissors since they were considered to be a weapon. Priebus gave no explanation for the request for a second set of sheets, except to say that GOP delegates were known to suffer from night sweats. “Global warming,” Priebus said sarcastically. (more…)

Romney Identity Theft Victim | Says Fake Mitt Paid No Taxes

Tuesday, August 14th, 2012
Artist rendering of Uzbekistani suspects in the Mitt Romney identity theft case.

Artist rendering of Uzbekistani suspects in the Mitt Romney identity theft case.

Mitt Romney admitted today that tax returns bearing his name did in fact reveal that he paid no taxes for the years 2001 through 2010. However, in a move that deflated critics and won praise from supporters, Romney was quick to point out that it was an unknown party, traced to an IP address in Uzbekistan, who had stolen the presumptive Republican presidential nominee’s identity and filed the returns electronically.

Romney went on to say that the bogus returns have already been sent to Fox News and other credible media outlets for immediate publication. “I hope now we can put this whole nonsense over my tax returns to bed,” Romney said. “Yes, these documents do in fact demonstrate that no tax was paid for a period of ten years. But given that the signer signed ‘Mit’ with only one t, you can see they are clearly fraudulent.” (more…)

Romney Dressage Horse Barred From Water Polo | Mitt Furious

Sunday, August 5th, 2012
There will be no Olympic medal for Rafalca, Romney dressage horse, in water polo.

There will be no Olympic medal for Rafalca, Romney dressage horse, in water polo.

London—It was a black day for the Romneys. After Rafalca, their Olympic dressage horse, finished well out of medal contention, Mitt and Ann Romney attempted to enter the animal in the Water Polo competition. But when a London Olympics official explained to the Romneys that water polo was in fact not played on horseback, the presumptive Republican presidential nominee threw a major hissy fit and told the Olympic official to “Kiss my ass!”

A brief scuffle ensued. The London Olympics security team, which had been preparing for seven long years for all manner of violent contingencies, subdued the enraged Romney in less time than a clueless American presidential candidate could insult America’s most loyal ally. (more…)

Romney’s Real Dad, Tin Man, Might Have Ended Up As A Bumper

Saturday, July 28th, 2012
Romney’s birth father believed to be the Tin Man

Romney’s birth father believed to be the Tin Man.

Mitt Romney was adopted. That bombshell comes at a time when Romney can ill afford it—in the wake of the presidential candidate’s insulting remarks about the allegedly lax security at the London Olympic games, which has stirred the ire of no less than British Prime Minister David Cameron. Romney also went on record to register his disgust over his favorite sport—dressage—not being afforded prime time coverage for two solid weeks but instead will be broadcast only on Mondays and Thursdays in the US from 4:00 to 5:30 am EST.

“Not showcasing the heart-thumping, nail-biting sport of dressage,” Romney said in an address to the House of Lords, “is, frankly, an insult to the great Anglo-Saxon traditions which America and Great Britain share.” Off the record, but within earshot of one microphone, Romney said he felt that he and his fellow one-percenters back home in the colonies were getting “royally screwed.”

Yet Romney’s controversial remarks about the Olympics paled in comparison to the news of his adoption. The official birth certificate reveals that Romney’s real father was not former Michigan governor and American Motors CEO George Romney, but the Tin Man of The Wizard of Oz, who famously travelled to the Emerald City in search of a heart. Romney, like his birth father, was born without a heart; in its place, a treadmill powered by an undocumented Latino hamster pumps ice water through his veins. (more…)

Romney Says Role As Bain CEO in 2002 Was That of Figurehead

Sunday, July 15th, 2012
While Romney now admits to being Bain CEO until 2002, he claims he was just a figurehead.

While Romney now admits to being Bain CEO until 2002, he claims he was just a figurehead.

Boston, MA—Attempting to quiet the uproar over a story in The Boston Globe on Tuesday, which produced evidence that he was CEO of Bain & Company until 2002, not 1999 as he had previously stated, Mitt Romney admitted today that the story was accurate. Even the part about his being paid at least $100,000 annually in 2001 and 2002. However, he also said the paper omitted one key detail: the role of a corporate CEO today is typically a sinecure one, essentially that of figurehead.

“One need only to look at what happened with my polo buddy Jamie Dimon recently,” Romney said, “to see how ridiculous it is to think a CEO plays any meaningful management role today whatsoever.” Dimon, the much revered CEO of JPMorgan Chase, testified before the Senate Banking Committee (a.k.a. the Jamie Dimon Fan Club) in June regarding what is now estimated to be his company’s loss of $5.8 billion.

While Dimon accepted responsibility for the loss, the CEO’s travel itinerary showed that he had been vacationing in the Cayman Islands during the months when the “bad trade” leading to the loss took place. It was also learned that Dimon was completely “out of touch” during this period since he does not know how to use his iPhone and in fact had mistaken his TV remote for the mobile device anyway. (more…)