After His Outrageous 47% Remarks, Romney Faces A Big FU

Friday, September 21st, 2012
Freeloaders United, a group spawned by Mitt Romney’s 47% remarks, already boasts 130 million Twitter followers.

Freeloaders United, a group spawned by Mitt Romney’s 47% remarks, already boasts 130 million Twitter followers.

Highland Park, TX—In the aftermath of his damaging remarks to potential donors at a Boca Raton fundraiser, Mitt Romney has avoided campaigning in battleground states and instead has retreated to the red state of Texas. Friendly territory? Apparently not. Turns out it’s harder than Romney thought to avoid the 47% of Americans, roughly 150 million people, whom he disdainfully dismissed as self-proclaimed victims—shiftless freeloaders dependent on the federal government for survival.

In fact the Romney rally at the strikingly beautiful Spanish Colonial-style town hall in Highland Park seemed to be populated by more Obama supporters than those still loyal to the besieged former Bain CEO. Dominant among the anti-Romney forces was a group that identified itself as Freeloaders United. Many in the group wore black t-shirts or held signs that bore only the letters FU.

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Romney Claims To Have Hard Evidence Of Obama Apology Tour

Tuesday, September 18th, 2012
One of more than three dozen unauthenticated photos that the Romney campaign says proves the existence of an official Obama Apology Tour.

One of more than three dozen unauthenticated photos that the Romney campaign says proves the existence of an official Obama Apology Tour.

Richmond—Campaigning in Virginia today, Mitt Romney took his attack against what he had previously called President Obama’s “disgraceful” handling of the volatile and tragic situation in Libya and Egypt to a new level. And this time the Republican presidential nominee had ammunition to back up his position: a stack of 8 x 10 glossy photos which allegedly came from an unnamed source inside the Pentagon whom Romney said had the highest clearance for classified military intelligence.

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Democrats Hit Voter Suppression with No Heart, No Vote Bill

Sunday, September 16th, 2012
Democratic lawmakers in Ohio respond to GOP voter suppression with “No Heart, No Vote!” bill.

Democratic lawmakers in Ohio respond to GOP voter suppression with “No Heart, No Vote!” bill.

Columbus—If you think Democrats are standing idly by when it comes to Republican voter suppression in battleground states, think again. Consider Ohio. Republicans currently rule the roost and, most recently, have taken measures to curtail voting hours in a not-so-subtle attempt to the suppress minority vote which strongly favors President Obama. Democrats fought back and managed to gain some concessions, including the restoration of voting hours during the weekend immediately preceding the election.

But Democrats have not stopped there. A new bill—dubbed No Heart, No Vote—introduced on the floor of the Ohio House of Representatives today calls for Republican voters to prove that they have hearts by answering one simple question: Do you support the Ryan Budget? Anyone who answers “yes” will not be allowed to vote.

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At Mitt Romney Iowa Rally, Swiss Flag Mix-up Goes Unnoticed

Wednesday, September 12th, 2012
Farmers at a Romney rally in Iowa wave Swiss flags.

Farmers at a Romney rally in Iowa wave Swiss flags.

Des Moines—Nothing seemed out of the ordinary at an Iowa rally for Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney. The monochromatic, 50-plus demographic of nearly two hundred farm country Americans were—with contained enthusiasm—applauding and waving flags as similar crowds had done for Mr. Romney as he hopscotched from one battleground state to another. The only difference was that the flags they were waving were Swiss.

Apparently a Romney staffer inadvertently checked the wrong box on the flag order form and consequently it was Swiss rather than American flags that were shipped to the rally site. The real surprise, however, was that not a single member of the Romney team had realized a mistake was made. Per normal pre-rally preparations, the Swiss flags were distributed to the audience just as American flags had been passed out at other rallies.

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Romney, Ryan, Republicans Diagnosed With Severe Dyslexia

Monday, September 10th, 2012
Doctors confirm that Romney-Ryan and Congressional Republicans see world through dyslexic eyes.

Doctors confirm that Romney-Ryan and Congressional Republicans see world through dyslexic eyes.

Tampa—Though largely unnoticed by American voters, GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney, running mate Paul Ryan and virtually every Republican in Congress have apparently been suffering from severe dyslexia since the Reagan years. What’s more, the disorienting condition might never have been diagnosed had not Mitt Romney chosen to ask the American people, “Are you better off now than you were four years ago?”

While most Americans are split on the issue, nearly all Republicans have answered with a resounding “No!” The reality, however, is quite different from the perception. According to a Gallup poll taken roughly four years ago, only 25% of Americans approved of the job George Bush was doing, the lowest rating ever for a departing president. Today, according to Gallup, those numbers are reversed—with President Obama’s job approval coming in at 52%.

The conclusion?

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Romney Pays $39K Fine for Overdue Library Book From 1954

Friday, September 7th, 2012
Mitt Romney’s favorite book since he was seven appealed to his love of piracy, tropical islands and buried treasure.

Mitt Romney’s favorite book since he was seven appealed to his love of piracy, tropical islands and buried treasure.

Wolfeboro, NH—As if the alleged theft of his tax returns weren’t enough to keep him up nights, Mitt Romney learned on Wednesday that he owed a $39,869.27 fine due to his failure to return a book he took out from the Bloomfield Hills Public Library on June 23, 1954 when he was seven years old. The book—Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stevenson—turns out to be one of the GOP presidential nominee’s favorites.

“It’s been on his bedside table ever since I can remember,” Ann Romney confessed. “Mitt simply idolized Long John Silver. He always wanted to be a pirate. And, well, you know, he loves tropical islands and burying treasure, too.” Mrs. Romney claimed she had no idea the book had been overdue for nearly six decades. Furthermore, she thought it suspicious that the matter should come to light during the same week Romney’s taxes returns were allegedly stolen.

Mrs. Romney said that her husband was distraught over the incident and cut a check for the full fine immediately. He also sweetened the deal by donating a new copy of the famous book to the library, which he autographed Long John Romney. Mrs. Romney confided that until the day he retroactively left Bain & Company in 1999, Mr. Romney would sign off on corporate takeover and bankruptcy documents with the initials LJR.

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Romney-Ryan Makes Burger King Official Campaign Restaurant

Tuesday, September 4th, 2012
As part of their new partnership with the Romney-Ryan campaign, Burger King will introduce the Romney-Ryan Whopper on September 15.

As part of their new partnership with the Romney-Ryan campaign, Burger King will introduce the Romney-Ryan Whopper on September 15.

Wolfeboro, NH—In the wake of Paul Ryan’s and Mitt Romney’s GOP Convention speeches, the Republican ticket announced today that Burger King is now the official restaurant for their campaign. “Given the highly fiction-based nature of our speeches,” Romney said, “choosing ‘The Home of Whopper’ as our official campaign eatery seemed like a no-brainer.”

Republican Vice Presidential nominee Paul Ryan—dressed in black Spandex and sweating profusely after competing in the Wolfeboro Labor Day Ironman Triathlon, which he claimed to have won in world record time—concurred. “We see this partnership as a perfect way to keep the momentum we’ve gained at the convention going,” he said with a boyish grin. “And, frankly, it’s a short hop from slinging burgers to mudslinging.”

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Ryan Blames Obama For Dinosaur Extinction | Time Travel Used

Friday, August 31st, 2012
According to Republican VP nominee Paul Ryan, President Obama caused the extinction of the dinosaurs 5,000 years ago.

According to Republican VP nominee Paul Ryan, President Obama caused the extinction of the dinosaurs 5,000 years ago.

Tampa—In a daring second act to his historic convention speech, which even Fox News noted was packed with outrageous lies and a failure to fess up to his own voting record in Congress, Paul Ryan has now blamed President Obama for the extinction of the dinosaurs.

“Just as President Obama was able to go back in time to facilitate the closing of a GM plant in Wisconsin in December of 2008,” Ryan said, “so too the president was able to travel back in time 5,000 years to cause the extinction of the dinosaurs.”

Ryan did not elaborate on the nature of the time machine used by the president, but insisted it was not a GM SUV. Those vehicles were being manufactured in the plant Obama closed roughly two months before he assumed the presidency. “My guess,” said Ryan, “is that the time machine was probably a Toyota or a Volkswagen.”

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June Cleaver Replaces Ann Romney As GOP Convention Speaker

Monday, August 27th, 2012
Iconic 1950’s mom June Cleaver with sons Beaver and Wally

Iconic 1950’s mom June Cleaver with sons Beaver and Wally

Tampa—And you thought Isaac was the biggest storm to hit Tampa this week. In a move that has both delighted and shocked Republicans, Ann Romney has relinquished her featured speaker role at the GOP Convention on Tuesday night to her old friend and childhood neighbor June Cleaver.

“June and I have been simpatico since the day we met,” beamed an excited Mrs. Romney, who said the iconic 1950’s mom once rescued young Ann when she got her skirt caught as she tried to jump, on horseback, the Cleavers’ white picket fence.

“You never forget that sort of kindness,” said Mrs. Romney with tears in her eyes. “You can just imagine the embarrassment of being stuck there with my underwear showing.” Mrs. Romney said that before Mrs. Cleaver rescued her, Eddie Haskell teased her, relentlessly reciting I see England/I see France/I see Annie’s underpants.

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GOP Delegates Insist On Extra Set of Bed Sheets And Scissors

Sunday, August 26th, 2012
GOP National Convention delegates, chronic sufferers from night sweats, requested extra sets of sheets from Tampa hotels.

GOP Convention delegates, chronic sufferers from night sweats, requested extra sets of sheets from Tampa hotels.

Tampa—In a move that has Tampa hotel managers and staff scurrying to meet demand, the Republican National Committee has insisted that the hotels provide an extra set of white bed sheets and fabric scissors in the rooms of every GOP delegate. Reince Priebus, Chairman of the RNC, was vague when asked why the request was made, saying only that airport security would not allow passengers to pack fabric scissors since they were considered to be a weapon. Priebus gave no explanation for the request for a second set of sheets, except to say that GOP delegates were known to suffer from night sweats. “Global warming,” Priebus said sarcastically.

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