Posts Tagged ‘2012 GOP Presidential Primary’


Romney Presidential Campaign Admits Bain Had Another Name

Thursday, May 10th, 2012

In a stunning and rare display of honesty, the presidential campaign of Mitt Romney confirmed a report from an anonymous source that the original name of Bain Capital was in fact Pain Capital. What’s more, the change didn’t happen overnight. There was no watershed moment.

Originally named Pain Capital, Bain changed its name after receiving 4,657,688 complaints from ex-employees of bankrupted companies.

Originally named Pain Capital, Bain changed its name after receiving 4,657,688 complaints from ex-employees of bankrupted companies.

“There have been many great Paynes in the financial world before,” said Skip Townsend, former Pain and current Bain CFO. “And to my knowledge, they all got by without having to deal with any foolishness about their surname.” Townsend saw no reason why the spelling of the name should be a factor either.

Romney, too, couldn’t fathom what all the fuss was about. “I really didn’t see a problem with the original name,” he confessed. “To my way of thinking, it had no negative connotations whatsoever.” The truth is, it was only after the firm received 4,657,688 complaints about the name from former employees of companies bankrupted by Pain that Romney began to suspect that some people were viewing the name differently than he did. (more…)

Limbaugh Hits Romney For Outsourcing Grandchildren Creation

Tuesday, May 8th, 2012

Rush Limbaugh has never been one to hide his distaste for Mitt Romney. But today he turned up the volume when he attacked Romney for outsourcing the birth his newly minted grandchildren—twin boys delivered by surrogate to Romney’s oldest son Tagg and his wife Jen.

Mitt and Ann Romney pose with new grandchildren and surrogate mother whom they identified simply as “Melissa.”

Mitt and Ann Romney pose with new grandchildren and surrogate mother whom they identified simply as “Melissa.”

“Not only do these surrogate births defy the official handbook of the Mormon Church,” Limbaugh said, “it means one less job for another American woman.”

When pointed out to Limbaugh that the surrogate mother was in fact an American citizen, he angrily replied that that doesn’t change the fact that the most highly regarded job in America—mother—had been shamefully outsourced. “Every mother in America should be outraged by this,” said Limbaugh.

While not condemning Limbaugh, Romney presidential campaign senior advisor Eric Fehrnstrom acknowledged that the outsourcing of any job in this economy is a touchy issue. “We understand Rush’s concern for the job of motherhood,” he said. “But it’s important to realize the difference between birthing and mothering.”

He said what the Romneys did falls into the birthing category and that many circumstances today still warrant the outsourcing of this function. He cited the time commitment necessary for activities such as dressage and bridge. Not to mention the weight gain, labor and general ickiness of the birthing process. (more…)

Romney Sues Over Teflon | Claims Stupid Statements Sticking

Thursday, May 3rd, 2012

WikiLeaks dropped a bombshell today, revealing that the Romney presidential campaign has sued DuPont, claiming that the all-natural, hypoallergenic Teflon-X coating the company applied to Mitt Romney’s face roughly one year ago did not work and in fact resulted in painful blistering.

The effectiveness of DuPont’s Teflon-X is challenged as the Romney presidential campaign sues, claiming the candidate’s previous stupid statements continue to stick to him.

DuPont’s all-natural, hypoallergenic Teflon-X coating fails to keep Romney’s stupid statements from sticking to him.

The Romney campaign based their case on the premise that Romney’s right-wing positions, espoused during a grueling battle for the Republican presidential nomination, have continued to dog him even as staffers attempted to Etch A Sketch them away just weeks ago.

According to Romney presidential campaign senior advisor Eric Fehrnstrom, reporters have been unwilling to allow the former Massachusetts governor and Bain Capital principal to pivot back to the center in an effort to capture moderate voters. “This is unconscionable behavior on the part of the liberal media,” said Fehrnstrom. “But it’s understandable, given the failure of Mitt’s Teflon coating to hold up under the magnifying glass.” (more…)

Romney Hunting Trip Misfires | Bullwinkle Not To Be Charged

Tuesday, April 24th, 2012

Frostbite Falls, MN — Likely GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney suffered a serious setback today as the self-proclaimed “varmint” hunter, hell-bent on adding an NRA-certified head to his parlor wall, was accidentally shot by another hunter, Bullwinkle R. Moose, while the Romney hunting party was preparing breakfast. Other members of the Romney hunting party managed to escape further injury, speeding off in two Cadillac SUVs.

Romney Hunted

GOP Presidential Front-Runner Mitt Romney shot by Bullwinkle R. Moose.

At the time of the incident, Romney was literally caught with his pants down as he relieved himself on a bush. Mr. Moose allegedly fired warning shots, but apparently one round hit Romney in the buttocks.

After four hours of what he called “harrowing captivity “ — during which the candidate was grilled about his environmental policies and his apparent lack of commitment to the survival of endangered species — Romney was taken to Frostbite Falls General Hospital where he remains in stable condition. While his wounds are not life threatening, doctors are concerned about possible brain damage. There is also a danger of amnesia. (more…)

Gaga Keeps "Born This Way” From Romney Presidential Campaign

Saturday, April 21st, 2012

Mitt Romney raised on Gebber Caviar Puree

Georgetown, Grand Cayman — Mitt Romney took one on the chin today when he learned that Lady Gaga would not, under any circumstances, license the use of her hit song Born This Way to his presidential campaign, thus ending weeks of intense, sometimes acrimonious negotiations, during which Romney traveled to Switzerland four times, visiting six separate banks.

Mitt Romney’s sterling silver baby spoon still has stains from Gebber Caviar

Mitt Romney’s sterling silver baby spoon still has stains from Gebber Caviar

For a while, it seemed like everything was going Romney’s way. Rick Santorum’s exit from the presidential campaign cleared a path to the GOP nomination upon which Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul were reduced to mere speed bumps. Turning then to his Etch A Sketch mastermind, presidential campaign senior advisor Eric Fehrnstrom, Romney made the bold decision to embrace who he is: an empty suit with an enormous wallet who was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. (more…)

Romney Rejects Buffet Rule | Derides It As “Self Serving”

Tuesday, April 17th, 2012

Boston, MA— In a move that some supporters consider risky, the Romney presidential campaign came down hard yesterday on the Buffet Rule, calling it “self-serving” and an affront to rich people everywhere. “Imagine,” Romney said to a capacity crowd at the Harvard Club, “having to wait on yourself. I mean, can you? Next thing you know they’ll be telling us having a governess for our kids is elitist.”

Despite the widespread belief in America that buffets rule, the Romney presidential campaign disparaged them as “self serving” and “breeding grounds for diseases.”

Despite the widespread belief in America that buffets rule, the Romney presidential campaign disparaged them as “self serving” and “breeding grounds for diseases.”

Aside from the inherently plebian nature of a buffet, Romney presidential campaign senior advisor Eric Fehrnstrom pointed out that there are also health hazards. “Everyone who has ever had the misfortune of attending a buffet knows that they are incubators for all kinds of diseases,” he said. “The potential for an epidemic is real and ever-present.”

During a Q & A session after the cheese and fruit dessert course, Fox News reporter Joe Dunlop claimed that tens of millions of Americans think buffets rule, not simply because they can gorge themselves into a stupor for a relatively small price, but also because they actually like serving themselves. “Given that, Governor, don’t you feel you might be on the wrong side of history with this one?” he said. (more…)

Romney Presidential Campaign Seeks To Find New Winning Issue

Sunday, April 15th, 2012

In the wake Rick Santorum’s expected and, to many Republican long beards, overdue exit from the presidential campaign trail, coupled with an economy that’s adding hundreds of thousands of jobs month after month, and a Supreme Court poised to overturn Romneycare (a.k.a. Obamacare), Mitt Romney is suddenly adrift in a sea of “what da f—k!”

Romney presidential campaign in a quandary over possible Romneycare overturn by Supreme Court.

Romney presidential campaign in a quandary over possible Romneycare overturn by Supreme Court.

“We’re really not worried about Santorum’s departure per se, or even a recovering economy,” said Romney presidential campaign senior advisor Eric Fehrnstrom. “What does concern us, however, is the increasing likelihood that the US Supreme Court will overturn Romneycare.”

But isn’t that precisely what the former Massachusetts Governor wants? “Yes and no,” said Fehrnstrom. “Yes, the governor wants Romneycare gone. But, no, he can’t allow anyone to do it but himself.” And Fehrnstrom is not the only staffer who has registered concern. Romney presidential campaign psychiatrist Marvin K. Freud weighed in as well. “Und speaking psychoanalytically, za governor is in danger of suffering an ego implosion,” said the monocled Freud. “Und sometimes a cigar is just an exploding cigar.” (more…)

Presidential Campaign Vetting News | Haley OKs Vaginal Probe

Wednesday, April 11th, 2012

Columbia, SC —In an effort to allay the fears of women who have mistakenly come to believe that a proposed state-government-mandated vaginal probe is an invasive medical procedure, GOP frontrunner and inevitable presidential nominee Mitt Romney enlisted pro-life, anti-Planned Parenthood Governor Nikki Haley, R-S.C., to help him put on a demonstration during a fundraiser for the Bristol Palin Foundation for Preteen Mothers.

Romney presidential campaign seeks to calm women’s fears about mandated vaginal probe; South Carolina Gov. Haley volunteers to be guinea pig.

Romney seeks to calm women’s fears about mandated vaginal probe; Gov. Haley volunteers to be guinea pig.

Smiling eagerly, Romney brought down the house when he feigned ignorance of what is involved in the controversially mandated procedure, and said, “Where the heck do I start?” When Haley gestured down there, straight-man Romney again played dumb. “You’re kidding,” he said. The nearly all-male audience roared its approval.

Haley didn’t seem to appreciate the levity of the situation. Furthermore, she was downright alarmed when four Romney staffers walked into the gathering carrying a medical exam table with what appeared to be diamond-encrusted stirrups. Haley fled. (more…)

Romney Presidential Campaign Opts for Dunk Tank To Choose VP

Sunday, April 8th, 2012

George Town, Grand Cayman — Taking a weekend respite from the presidential campaign trail, GOP front-runner and the man who would be king, Mitt Romney implemented a clever new recruitment plan for a running mate: a dunk tank.

U.S. Senator Marco Rubio, R-Fla., Waits to See if He is the Romney Presidential Campaign Choice for Vice President

U.S. Senator Marco Rubio, R-Fla., Waits to See if He is the Romney Presidential Campaign Choice for Vice President

In response to virtually all prominent Republicans with a future in politics deserting the Romney ship like rats even before it officially sets sail, Romney pleaded with potential VP nominees to listen to, or rather stand in the way of, his pitch. For the sake of the GOP, but with obvious reluctance, all assented—with the exception of House Majority Leader Eric Cantor, who feared that Romney and the Mormon Church might consider a dunking a baptism.

Romney’s one pitch, a knuckleball, has been clocked at 99.9 MPH and has a tendency to move in a corkscrew path, then veer right, sink like a stone and, on many occasions, do a total about-face and head right back to where it came from. So nobody really knows where the hell it will end up. (more…)

Gingrich Presidential Campaign Accepts Cinnamon Challenge

Thursday, April 5th, 2012

Greenville, SC— In a last ditch effort to revive his comatose presidential campaign, a confident Newt Gingrich attempted the Cinnamon Challenge in a packed auditorium at Bob Jones University yesterday.

Presidential campaign of Newt Gingrich in jeopardy as he fails Cinnamon Challenge

Presidential campaign of Newt Gingrich in jeopardy as he fails Cinnamon Challenge

Senior presidential campaign advisor Randy Evans revealed that Gingrich was “hooked” on the possibilities for resurrection when he learned that the video posted on YouTube of comedienne GloZell taking the Cinnamon Challenge had received more than 11 million views. But most significantly, it had garnered nearly 96,000 “likes” versus only 3,300 “dislikes.” Among every 100,000 voters, Evans noted, Gingrich’s “likes” and “dislikes” numbers are exactly the opposite. “So taking the Cinnamon Challenge was kind of a no-brainer for Next,” he said.

Unfortunately, to the dismay of hundreds of boisterous supporters inside the School of Intelligent Design lecture hall, Speaker Gingrich failed. There is no word yet if this means he will give it another go, or if he will finally drop out of the presidential campaign. (more…)