Posts Tagged ‘2012 Republican Presidential Primary’


Romney Presidential Campaign Weighs In On Stand Your Ground

Saturday, March 31st, 2012
Romney Presidential Campaign Embraces Electronic Monitoring Device Aimed To Quell 'Stand Your Ground' Uproar

Romney Presidential Campaign Embraces Electronic Monitoring Device Aimed To Quell 'Stand Your Ground' Uproar

In a move that has ruffled the feathers of the NRA and caused shockwaves throughout the nearly two dozen red states with “Stand Your Ground” laws on the books, Mitt Romney’s presidential campaign announced today that it supports a radical modification of the controversial “Stand Your Ground” law.

The modification, proposed by Republican Florida legislator Dennis Baxley, appears to be an attempt to quell the uproar over the shooting death of an unarmed teenager, Trayvon Martin, by self-appointed neighborhood watch captain George Zimmerman. It calls for a mandate that would compel anyone who owns a gun to also purchase an EMD4000, an all-in-one electronic monitoring device nicknamed the “Doc Brown,” after the well-known character in the Back to the Future movies.

“It’s really an amazing invention,” said Romney presidential campaign manager Matt Rhoades. The device, he explained, features GPS to track and report at regular intervals the gun owner’s movements via satellite. Exclusion zones can be programmed into a map with a predetermined radius. This means the device will know the second the gun owner leaves “his ground.” In most cases, this would be the property he owns or rents. Or the bar he frequents. (more…)

Santorum Presidential Campaign Embraces Female Contraception

Thursday, March 29th, 2012

In a stunning about-face, which even a spokesperson for the Santorum presidential campaign admitted was Romney-like in magnitude, former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum has now embraced a once popular form of female contraception. “As a devotee of medieval morality,” Santorum explained, “I have come to the inevitable conclusion that a chastity belt is an acceptable—and, I might add, proven—method of birth control.”

Contraception method deemed acceptable by Santorum presidential campaign

Contraception method deemed acceptable by Santorum presidential campaign

Previously Santorum had famously declared that, “Many of the Christian faith have said, well, that’s okay, contraception is okay. It’s not okay. It’s a license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be.” Basically, this meant that all non-procreative sex went out the window. “But let’s face it,” Santorum’s presidential campaign manager said. “Once you give a person of even limited libido such a license, they’re going to use the darn thing.”

The chastity belt is just what the non-Planned Parenthood doctor ordered. Not only because it prevents pregnancy, but also because it closes the drawbridge on sexual intercourse altogether. Furthermore, while a thriving black market for skeleton keys essentially made the chastity belt obsolete during its medieval launch, modern versions could take advantage of high tech security that is virtually unhackable. (more…)

Romney Presidential Campaign Seeks Jewish Running Mate

Friday, March 23rd, 2012

Responding to a dilemma highlighted in a recent Borowitz Report, Republican presidential campaigner Mitt Romney has approached Las Vegas casino magnate Sheldon Adelson, offering him the second spot on the 2012 Republican ticket. As author Andy Borowitz pointed out, America’s bigots are befuddled by having to choose between a black man and a Mormon and, as a result, many are expected to sit out the election. This could have catastrophic consequences, given the lack of enthusiasm for any Republican candidate already dragging down the GOP faithful.

Billionaire Sheldon Adelson reaches for presidential campaign checkbook.

Billionaire Sheldon Adelson reaches for presidential campaign checkbook.

So, according to the Romney camp, the choice of Adelson seemed to make eminent sense. “Clearly, we needed to choose a Vice Presidential candidate whose minority status wasn’t as big a turn-off for bigots as being black or Mormon. For reasons that should be obvious, Muslims were out. Mexicans were out, too. Which pretty much left Jews.”

Beyond gambling and SEC corruption investigation circles, Adelson is best known as the billionaire bankrolling Newt Gingrich’s Super PAC. The Super PAC has single-handedly kept Gingrich’s candidacy alive, ostensibly in an effort to siphon votes from Rick Santorum and, thus, secure the nomination for Romney. (more…)