Posts Tagged ‘Liberal’


Romney Claims To Have Hard Evidence Of Obama Apology Tour

Tuesday, September 18th, 2012
One of more than three dozen unauthenticated photos that the Romney campaign says proves the existence of an official Obama Apology Tour.

One of more than three dozen unauthenticated photos that the Romney campaign says proves the existence of an official Obama Apology Tour.

Richmond—Campaigning in Virginia today, Mitt Romney took his attack against what he had previously called President Obama’s “disgraceful” handling of the volatile and tragic situation in Libya and Egypt to a new level. And this time the Republican presidential nominee had ammunition to back up his position: a stack of 8 x 10 glossy photos which allegedly came from an unnamed source inside the Pentagon whom Romney said had the highest clearance for classified military intelligence. (more…)

Democrats Hit Voter Suppression with No Heart, No Vote Bill

Sunday, September 16th, 2012
Democratic lawmakers in Ohio respond to GOP voter suppression with “No Heart, No Vote!” bill.

Democratic lawmakers in Ohio respond to GOP voter suppression with “No Heart, No Vote!” bill.

Columbus—If you think Democrats are standing idly by when it comes to Republican voter suppression in battleground states, think again. Consider Ohio. Republicans currently rule the roost and, most recently, have taken measures to curtail voting hours in a not-so-subtle attempt to the suppress minority vote which strongly favors President Obama. Democrats fought back and managed to gain some concessions, including the restoration of voting hours during the weekend immediately preceding the election.

But Democrats have not stopped there. A new bill—dubbed No Heart, No Vote—introduced on the floor of the Ohio House of Representatives today calls for Republican voters to prove that they have hearts by answering one simple question: Do you support the Ryan Budget? Anyone who answers “yes” will not be allowed to vote. (more…)

Romney-Ryan Makes Burger King Official Campaign Restaurant

Tuesday, September 4th, 2012
As part of their new partnership with the Romney-Ryan campaign, Burger King will introduce the Romney-Ryan Whopper on September 15.

As part of their new partnership with the Romney-Ryan campaign, Burger King will introduce the Romney-Ryan Whopper on September 15.

Wolfeboro, NH—In the wake of Paul Ryan’s and Mitt Romney’s GOP Convention speeches, the Republican ticket announced today that Burger King is now the official restaurant for their campaign. “Given the highly fiction-based nature of our speeches,” Romney said, “choosing ‘The Home of Whopper’ as our official campaign eatery seemed like a no-brainer.”

Republican Vice Presidential nominee Paul Ryan—dressed in black Spandex and sweating profusely after competing in the Wolfeboro Labor Day Ironman Triathlon, which he claimed to have won in world record time—concurred. “We see this partnership as a perfect way to keep the momentum we’ve gained at the convention going,” he said with a boyish grin. “And, frankly, it’s a short hop from slinging burgers to mudslinging.” (more…)

Ryan Blames Obama For Dinosaur Extinction | Time Travel Used

Friday, August 31st, 2012
According to Republican VP nominee Paul Ryan, President Obama caused the extinction of the dinosaurs 5,000 years ago.

According to Republican VP nominee Paul Ryan, President Obama caused the extinction of the dinosaurs 5,000 years ago.

Tampa—In a daring second act to his historic convention speech, which even Fox News noted was packed with outrageous lies and a failure to fess up to his own voting record in Congress, Paul Ryan has now blamed President Obama for the extinction of the dinosaurs.

“Just as President Obama was able to go back in time to facilitate the closing of a GM plant in Wisconsin in December of 2008,” Ryan said, “so too the president was able to travel back in time 5,000 years to cause the extinction of the dinosaurs.”

Ryan did not elaborate on the nature of the time machine used by the president, but insisted it was not a GM SUV. Those vehicles were being manufactured in the plant Obama closed roughly two months before he assumed the presidency. “My guess,” said Ryan, “is that the time machine was probably a Toyota or a Volkswagen.” (more…)

June Cleaver Replaces Ann Romney As GOP Convention Speaker

Monday, August 27th, 2012
Iconic 1950’s mom June Cleaver with sons Beaver and Wally

Iconic 1950’s mom June Cleaver with sons Beaver and Wally

Tampa—And you thought Isaac was the biggest storm to hit Tampa this week. In a move that has both delighted and shocked Republicans, Ann Romney has relinquished her featured speaker role at the GOP Convention on Tuesday night to her old friend and childhood neighbor June Cleaver.

“June and I have been simpatico since the day we met,” beamed an excited Mrs. Romney, who said the iconic 1950’s mom once rescued young Ann when she got her skirt caught as she tried to jump, on horseback, the Cleavers’ white picket fence.

“You never forget that sort of kindness,” said Mrs. Romney with tears in her eyes. “You can just imagine the embarrassment of being stuck there with my underwear showing.” Mrs. Romney said that before Mrs. Cleaver rescued her, Eddie Haskell teased her, relentlessly reciting I see England/I see France/I see Annie’s underpants. (more…)

Supreme Court Rules 5 to 4 Constitution Is Unconstitutional

Monday, July 9th, 2012
King Mitt I of Utah

Mitt Romney hopes to return America to its royal glory days.

Washington, DC—Feeling intense pressure from the right to mend its ways since its recent liberal-leaning decisions to strike down most of Arizona’s immigration law and to uphold the Affordable Care Act, the United States Supreme Court ruled today that the US Constitution is unconstitutional, essentially dissolving our form of government and, with it, the scourge of socialism.

The immediate impact of the decision was relatively minor, however, since the Republican-led House has done virtually nothing for two years. Only one piece of legislation—the Barton-Pearce Drilling Act—has been passed since John Boehner took hold of the Speaker’s gavel in 2010. The legislation, which would have allowed oil companies to drill in Mrs. Obama’s White House vegetable garden, died in the Democratic-controlled Senate.

It looked for a while as if the Second Amendment—the Right to Bear Arms—would survive, but in the end even that was cast out. The court decided that the matter of arming paranoid, sadistic idiots with assault weapons should best be left to the states governed by paranoid, sadistic idiots who oppose the assault weapons ban. (more…)

Christie To Romney: Change GOP Slogan To “Let Me Eat Cake”

Saturday, July 7th, 2012
Governor Chris Christie (R-NJ) enjoys a cool summer reward after sitting through an interminable Weight Watchers meeting.

Governor Chris Christie (R-NJ) enjoys a cool summer reward after sitting through an interminable Weight Watchers meeting.

Trenton, NJ—New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is never one to mince words. Pies maybe. But not words. So it came as no surprise today when the possible Republican Vice Presidential candidate admonished Mitt Romney, saying that if he is to win the presidential election this November, he must become, in the immortal words of George W. Bush, a “compassionate conservative.” And what better way to achieve that than by changing the current Romney presidential campaign slogan from the seemingly callous and elitist “Let them eat cake” to the more empathetic and egalitarian “Let me eat cake.”

Many Democrats believe the often brusque and rude Christie to be the personification of GOP self-indulgence and lack of discipline. But while he’d be the first to admit his weight is a difficult problem, he nevertheless tips the scales at only 819 pounds, a full three pounds lighter than 42-year-old Londoner Keith Martin whom The Huffington Post reported in February to be the world’s heaviest man. (more…)

Romney Campaign Flyer Error Goes Unnoticed | Earns Respect

Friday, June 29th, 2012
Romney campaign flyer suggests there’s nothing wrong with a moron in White House.

Romney campaign flyer suggests there’s nothing wrong with a moron in White House.

Imagine you’re about to address a crowd of would-be supporters who already view your religious beliefs with skepticism and, in some instances, hostility. Now imagine you’re Mormon presidential candidate Mitt Romney about to take the podium to address the crowd when a frantic campaign worker points out a glaring error in the flyers that have just been distributed to the audience: the second M in Mormon has accidentally been omitted.

Well, that’s precisely what happened to Mitt Romney. And this on top of the Romney campaign iPhone app, which called for “A Better Amercia”!

But what could have proven to be a major embarrassment for the candidate surprisingly had no negative impact whatsoever and in fact had quite the opposite effect. “I thought, finally, here’s a guy I can relate to,” said Jed Klumpet, an unapologetic George W. Bush loyalist, who thought it gutsy for Romney to come out of the Northeast corridor intellectual closet and admit he’s a moron. “It’s like Forrest, Forrest Gump says: ‘Stupid is as stupid does.’ Today ol’ Willard done earned ol’ Jed’s respect.” (more…)

Romney Uses Famous Bloody Sock To Lure Curt Schilling For VP

Tuesday, June 26th, 2012
Curt Schilling’s famous bloody sock from the 2004 World Series — then and now.

Curt Schilling’s famous bloody sock from the 2004 World Series — then and now.

In what has proven to be an awkward courtship, Mitt Romney admitted today that he has been pursuing Curt Schilling, the Knight of the Bloody Sock, as his running mate. The process began to unravel when Romney, as a token of his admiration for the baseball legend, presented Schilling with the sock that he had worn during Game 2 of the 2004 World Series against the St. Louis Cardinals. The Sox won the game and swept the series but it was Schilling’s courageous performance that fans remember most.

After Schilling donated the bloody sock, it had resided in the Hall of Fame in Cooperstown until last week. It was at that time that the sock was purchased by Romney for $10 million. “The thing smelled something awful,” said Romney, “but it was the blood stain that was really icky. Major disgusto.” Romney took the sock home and on the following Monday, laundry day in the Romney household, he personally applied bleach and stain remover to the icon to return it to its original pristine state. (more…)

Romney Walks Fine Line On Evolution | Risks Moron Vote

Sunday, June 24th, 2012
Over the course of human evolution, brain size grew continuously until the emergence of Homo phobicus republicanus.

Over the course of human evolution, brain size grew continuously until the emergence of Homo phobicus republicanus.

Goodlettsville, TN—While refusing to give the concept of evolution a full and dignified nod, Mitt Romney nevertheless stood on dangerous ground today when he said that humans and apes probably evolved from a common ancestor. However, in a clear concession to the millions of creationist morons who denounce evolution and Darwin as “Godless”—and whose support Romney must have in November if he is to wrest the presidency from Obama—the former Massachusetts governor said he was certain that humans and dinosaurs coexisted.

“We know for a fact that a reptile lived side by side with Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden,” Romney said during a major address to the Konservative Kristian Kindergarteners (KKK) in Goodlettsville, Tennessee. “And dinosaurs are reptiles, aren’t they, kids?” The crowd of nearly one hundred hooted, laughed and stomped their feet in approval. “Well, that serpent is proof enough for me that humans and dinosaurs inhabited the earth from day one.”

Romney went on to profess that “day one” was roughly 5,000 years ago, and not 4.5 billion years ago as some “so-called scientists mistakenly insist.” Again the barely weaned crowd erupted in hoots and wild laughter.

Many in the audience welcomed Romney’s acknowledgement of human and dinosaur coexistence, but virtually none applauded when he asserted that humans and simians had a common ancestor whom he called “Lucy.” Still, Romney did manage to get the audience back in his column by declaring that the highest life form on earth was no longer Homo sapiens, but Homo phobicus republicanus. (more…)