Posts Tagged ‘Mitt Romney’


Romney To Star In Remake of “Fantasy Island” TV Series

Thursday, December 6th, 2012
The new Fantasy Island: Producers worry that scripts might not be outlandish enough to be viewed as fantasies by a nutjob audience.

The new Fantasy Island: Producers worry that scripts might not be outlandish enough to be viewed as fantasies by a nutjob audience.

Grand Cayman — Still licking his wounds from his loss of the presidential election, Mitt Romney encountered a little holiday cheer when the Fox network offered him the starring role in the upcoming remake of the once popular series “Fantasy Island,” which ran from 1977 to 1984. Rather than reprise Ricardo Montalban’s role as Mr. Roarke, however, the producers have created a new character for Romney: Mr. de Nile.

Having resolved the series’ lead, the network is now courting Donald Trump to play Romney’s sidekick. “We’ve decided to go stupid rather than small this time around,” said producer David O. Seltzer. Any attempt to replicate the iconic role of Tattoo, played by Hervé Villechaize, would invariably fall short, Seltzer insisted. (more…)

Upset With White House Lunch Entrée, Romney Leaves 13% Tip

Thursday, November 29th, 2012

Romney eats crowWashington, DC — Mitt Romney finally got to the White House today, but it was a far cry from the triumphant entrance he dreamed of making prior to the presidential election. Arriving for his lunch with President Obama in a Cadillac SUV, Mr. Romney was greeted not by the president himself or by any senior staffer. Instead the former GOP presidential candidate turned private citizen was welcomed by an intern who was probably not even born by the time Romney made his third hundred million.

Yet Romney acted more stunned than miffed by the strange protocol. “I was prepared to slip whatever senior staffer greeted me a Benjamin. But when this kid shows up, who’s young enough to be my granddaughter, I didn’t know what to do,” he later said. “So I gave her a quarter and patted her on the head.” (more…)

McConnell’s Top Priority: Make Obama A Two-Term President

Thursday, November 8th, 2012
US Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell signals his resolve to make Obama a two-term president.

US Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell signals his resolve to make Obama a two-term president.

Washington, DC—Lest you think that the Republican resolve to obstruct the agenda of President Obama has softened since the American people re-elected him to a second term on Tuesday, one need only take note of the intransigent words spoken by US Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell this morning on the Capitol steps.

“My number one priority is to ensure Mr. Obama is a two-term president,” he declared. And this time, McConnell added, he has the full weight of the US Constitution behind him since it limits the president to two terms. (more…)

Romney Pays Schirripa $25 Million To Play Gov Chris Christie

Saturday, November 3rd, 2012
Lookalikes New Jersey Governor Chris Christie and former “Sopranos” star Steve Schirripa

Lookalikes New Jersey Governor Chris Christie and former “Sopranos” star Steve Schirripa

New York— Ex-“Sopranos” star Steve Schirripa, who famously blasted President Barack Obama in May of 2010 for the comments the president made at the White House Correspondents’ Association dinner about the reality television series “Jersey Shore,” has agreed to play the role of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie for the Romney campaign.

“Back in 2010, Obama got under my skin when I found out he’d been watching ‘Jersey Shore’ instead of, you know, running the (expletive deleted) country,” said Schirripa. “So when the Romney campaign offered me $25 million to pretend I was Chris Christie and campaign for Romney in Ohio, I jumped at the chance.” (more…)

Mitt Courts Women By Supporting “God Intends Rape” Candidate

Thursday, October 25th, 2012
Mitt Romney endorses Indiana Senate candidate Richard Mourdock who said on Tuesday that a child born of rape is “something that God intended to happen.”

Mitt Romney endorses Indiana Senate candidate Richard Mourdock who said on Tuesday that a child born of rape is “something that God intended to happen.”

Cincinnati—Making a campaign stop at the First Watch Cafe in Cincinnati, Ohio, Mitt Romney ignored questions regarding his support of Indiana Senate candidate Richard Mourdock. “Can’t I just enjoy a cup of coffee without being hounded about trivial issues?” he said testily.

At issue is a statement Mourdock made during his debate on Tuesday night against Democratic challenger Rep. Joe Donnelly. “I struggled with it myself for a long time, but I came to realize life is that gift from God,” he said. “And I think even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that it is something that God intended to happen.

While the remark—suggesting that God created rape and saw afterwards that, like light, it was good—shocked Democrats and other civilized Americans, it was greeted as business as usual by the GOP. “The Republican Party is a big tent,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. “We’ve made room for people of all points of view.” (more…)

Fox News Admits Statements of Idiocy, Not Idiotic Statements

Monday, October 22nd, 2012
Professor Gerund Metcalf, a grammarian from Bob Jones University, explains the critical difference between the phrases “act of terror” and “terrorist act”.

Professor Gerund Metcalf, a grammarian from Bob Jones University, explains the critical difference between the phrases “act of terror” and “terrorist act”.

New York—Chief among Fox News’ denouncements of President Obama’s foreign policy has been his response to the attack on the Libyan consulate, which resulted in the deaths of four Americans, including ambassador Chris Stevens. According to the right-wing cable news network, the president misrepresented the attack on the consulate from day one when, during a Rose Garden speech, he labeled it an “act of terror”.

Appearing on Fox News with Sean Hannity, grammarian Gerund Metcalf of Bob Jones University claimed that calling the attack an “act of terror” is definitely not the same as calling it a “terrorist act,” which, as more evidence comes to light, it seems to have been. “For one thing, the phrase the president used contained the word ‘of’,” Professor Metcalf pointed out, “while ‘terrorist act’ clearly does not.” (more…)

Romney Won’t Wear Truth Detector At Next Presidential Debate

Friday, October 12th, 2012
Governor Mitt Romney during a 2009 audit by the Internal Revenue Service. The results have remained secret.

Governor Mitt Romney during a 2009 audit by the Internal Revenue Service. The results have remained secret.

Columbus—Mitt Romney told so many lies during the first presidential debate that even the Obama campaign rejected the suggestion by the presidential debate commission to wire both candidates with lie detectors during the second debate on October 16, saying it would be disruptive and distracting to have Romney’s lie detector blaring every five seconds or so.

Unfortunately, the Romney campaign has also said that under no circumstances will their candidate wear a truth detector which, had Romney been so wired during the first debate, would have gone off only once: when the Republican presidential nominee mentioned that he had five sons. (more…)

Romney Says 7.8 Unemployment Counts Jobs He Created In China

Monday, October 8th, 2012
Chinese factory workers in Beijing express their thanks to Mitt Romney and Bain & Company for creating their jobs.

Chinese factory workers in Beijing express their thanks to Mitt Romney and Bain & Company for creating their jobs.

Richmond—Campaigning in Virginia today, Mitt Romney downplayed the unexpectedly auspicious unemployment report issued on Friday by the Bureau of Labor Statistics, calling it misleading, corrupted by bogus data and “not what a real recovery looks like” anyway. Romney claimed the drop from 8.1% to 7.8% happened only because “some junior level pencil pusher” at the BLS inadvertently included 119,000 jobs that he, Governor Romney, created in China through his Bain investments.

In previous months Romney had sought to distance himself from his investments in China, but any downside those dealings have entailed quickly faded with the dramatic appearance of Romney’s now infamous 47% video, which has since become the dominant albatross of the Romney presidential campaign. (more…)

Romney Says Zingers Will Prove He’s “The Great Mass Debater”

Tuesday, October 2nd, 2012
Romney faces off against Rick Perry during one of more than a dozen Republican Primary debates.

Romney faces off against Rick Perry during one of more than a dozen Republican Primary debates.

Denver—With the first presidential debate on tap for Wednesday, Mitt Romney has been doing his best to portray President Obama as a silver-tongued, Washington politician who can make almost any poison apple seem appetizing. Romney warned Americans not to be fooled by the president’s fancy rhetoric during the debate, but instead to pay close attention to his clever zingers, which he’s been practicing for months.

“No amount of flowery words can hide a record of failure,” Romney said to a small group of billionaire donors during a weekend fundraiser. Calling President Obama the consummate debater in what many believe to be a tactic to lower expectations regarding his own debate skills, Romney blamed Obama’s “activist obstructionism” for creating Washington gridlock, high unemployment, a slow moving recovery and the break-up of The Beatles. (more…)

Mitt Romney Blames Six Months Of Gaffes On Being Hypnotized

Monday, September 24th, 2012
Romney claims he was hypnotized by famous comedian/hypnotist Don Barnhart and told to act like bumbling Inspector Clouseau of The Pink Panther movies.

Romney claims he was hypnotized by famous comedian/hypnotist Don Barnhart and told to act like bumbling Inspector Clouseau.

Las Vegas—Mitt Romney returned to what one senior campaign advisor called the “scene of the crime” on Sunday: a private ballroom in a casino owned by billionaire and Romney supporter Sheldon Adelson. It was here that Don Barnhart performed his comedy act during a $50,000 per fork fundraiser. The crime: Romney being hypnotized by the award-winning comedian and certified hypnotist and told to act as if he were the bumbling Inspector Clouseau of The Pink Panther movies.

All in good fun, so it seemed. But apparently something went terribly wrong. Rather than coming out of his hypnotic trance when Barnhart snapped his fingers, Romney “awoke” but remained hypnotized. And no one noticed. That was in April of this year. What happened after that has been one major gaffe after another by the Republican presidential candidate, each new one seeming to surpass the one prior. (more…)