Posts Tagged ‘Mitt Romney’


After His Outrageous 47% Remarks, Romney Faces A Big FU

Friday, September 21st, 2012
Freeloaders United, a group spawned by Mitt Romney’s 47% remarks, already boasts 130 million Twitter followers.

Freeloaders United, a group spawned by Mitt Romney’s 47% remarks, already boasts 130 million Twitter followers.

Highland Park, TX—In the aftermath of his damaging remarks to potential donors at a Boca Raton fundraiser, Mitt Romney has avoided campaigning in battleground states and instead has retreated to the red state of Texas. Friendly territory? Apparently not. Turns out it’s harder than Romney thought to avoid the 47% of Americans, roughly 150 million people, whom he disdainfully dismissed as self-proclaimed victims—shiftless freeloaders dependent on the federal government for survival.

In fact the Romney rally at the strikingly beautiful Spanish Colonial-style town hall in Highland Park seemed to be populated by more Obama supporters than those still loyal to the besieged former Bain CEO. Dominant among the anti-Romney forces was a group that identified itself as Freeloaders United. Many in the group wore black t-shirts or held signs that bore only the letters FU. (more…)

Romney Claims To Have Hard Evidence Of Obama Apology Tour

Tuesday, September 18th, 2012
One of more than three dozen unauthenticated photos that the Romney campaign says proves the existence of an official Obama Apology Tour.

One of more than three dozen unauthenticated photos that the Romney campaign says proves the existence of an official Obama Apology Tour.

Richmond—Campaigning in Virginia today, Mitt Romney took his attack against what he had previously called President Obama’s “disgraceful” handling of the volatile and tragic situation in Libya and Egypt to a new level. And this time the Republican presidential nominee had ammunition to back up his position: a stack of 8 x 10 glossy photos which allegedly came from an unnamed source inside the Pentagon whom Romney said had the highest clearance for classified military intelligence. (more…)

Democrats Hit Voter Suppression with No Heart, No Vote Bill

Sunday, September 16th, 2012
Democratic lawmakers in Ohio respond to GOP voter suppression with “No Heart, No Vote!” bill.

Democratic lawmakers in Ohio respond to GOP voter suppression with “No Heart, No Vote!” bill.

Columbus—If you think Democrats are standing idly by when it comes to Republican voter suppression in battleground states, think again. Consider Ohio. Republicans currently rule the roost and, most recently, have taken measures to curtail voting hours in a not-so-subtle attempt to the suppress minority vote which strongly favors President Obama. Democrats fought back and managed to gain some concessions, including the restoration of voting hours during the weekend immediately preceding the election.

But Democrats have not stopped there. A new bill—dubbed No Heart, No Vote—introduced on the floor of the Ohio House of Representatives today calls for Republican voters to prove that they have hearts by answering one simple question: Do you support the Ryan Budget? Anyone who answers “yes” will not be allowed to vote. (more…)

At Mitt Romney Iowa Rally, Swiss Flag Mix-up Goes Unnoticed

Wednesday, September 12th, 2012
Farmers at a Romney rally in Iowa wave Swiss flags.

Farmers at a Romney rally in Iowa wave Swiss flags.

Des Moines—Nothing seemed out of the ordinary at an Iowa rally for Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney. The monochromatic, 50-plus demographic of nearly two hundred farm country Americans were—with contained enthusiasm—applauding and waving flags as similar crowds had done for Mr. Romney as he hopscotched from one battleground state to another. The only difference was that the flags they were waving were Swiss.

Apparently a Romney staffer inadvertently checked the wrong box on the flag order form and consequently it was Swiss rather than American flags that were shipped to the rally site. The real surprise, however, was that not a single member of the Romney team had realized a mistake was made. Per normal pre-rally preparations, the Swiss flags were distributed to the audience just as American flags had been passed out at other rallies. (more…)

Romney Pays $39K Fine for Overdue Library Book From 1954

Friday, September 7th, 2012
Mitt Romney’s favorite book since he was seven appealed to his love of piracy, tropical islands and buried treasure.

Mitt Romney’s favorite book since he was seven appealed to his love of piracy, tropical islands and buried treasure.

Wolfeboro, NH—As if the alleged theft of his tax returns weren’t enough to keep him up nights, Mitt Romney learned on Wednesday that he owed a $39,869.27 fine due to his failure to return a book he took out from the Bloomfield Hills Public Library on June 23, 1954 when he was seven years old. The book—Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stevenson—turns out to be one of the GOP presidential nominee’s favorites.

“It’s been on his bedside table ever since I can remember,” Ann Romney confessed. “Mitt simply idolized Long John Silver. He always wanted to be a pirate. And, well, you know, he loves tropical islands and burying treasure, too.” Mrs. Romney claimed she had no idea the book had been overdue for nearly six decades. Furthermore, she thought it suspicious that the matter should come to light during the same week Romney’s taxes returns were allegedly stolen.

Mrs. Romney said that her husband was distraught over the incident and cut a check for the full fine immediately. He also sweetened the deal by donating a new copy of the famous book to the library, which he autographed Long John Romney. Mrs. Romney confided that until the day he retroactively left Bain & Company in 1999, Mr. Romney would sign off on corporate takeover and bankruptcy documents with the initials LJR. (more…)

Ryan Blames Obama For Dinosaur Extinction | Time Travel Used

Friday, August 31st, 2012
According to Republican VP nominee Paul Ryan, President Obama caused the extinction of the dinosaurs 5,000 years ago.

According to Republican VP nominee Paul Ryan, President Obama caused the extinction of the dinosaurs 5,000 years ago.

Tampa—In a daring second act to his historic convention speech, which even Fox News noted was packed with outrageous lies and a failure to fess up to his own voting record in Congress, Paul Ryan has now blamed President Obama for the extinction of the dinosaurs.

“Just as President Obama was able to go back in time to facilitate the closing of a GM plant in Wisconsin in December of 2008,” Ryan said, “so too the president was able to travel back in time 5,000 years to cause the extinction of the dinosaurs.”

Ryan did not elaborate on the nature of the time machine used by the president, but insisted it was not a GM SUV. Those vehicles were being manufactured in the plant Obama closed roughly two months before he assumed the presidency. “My guess,” said Ryan, “is that the time machine was probably a Toyota or a Volkswagen.” (more…)

June Cleaver Replaces Ann Romney As GOP Convention Speaker

Monday, August 27th, 2012
Iconic 1950’s mom June Cleaver with sons Beaver and Wally

Iconic 1950’s mom June Cleaver with sons Beaver and Wally

Tampa—And you thought Isaac was the biggest storm to hit Tampa this week. In a move that has both delighted and shocked Republicans, Ann Romney has relinquished her featured speaker role at the GOP Convention on Tuesday night to her old friend and childhood neighbor June Cleaver.

“June and I have been simpatico since the day we met,” beamed an excited Mrs. Romney, who said the iconic 1950’s mom once rescued young Ann when she got her skirt caught as she tried to jump, on horseback, the Cleavers’ white picket fence.

“You never forget that sort of kindness,” said Mrs. Romney with tears in her eyes. “You can just imagine the embarrassment of being stuck there with my underwear showing.” Mrs. Romney said that before Mrs. Cleaver rescued her, Eddie Haskell teased her, relentlessly reciting I see England/I see France/I see Annie’s underpants. (more…)

GOP Delegates Insist On Extra Set of Bed Sheets And Scissors

Sunday, August 26th, 2012
GOP National Convention delegates, chronic sufferers from night sweats, requested extra sets of sheets from Tampa hotels.

GOP Convention delegates, chronic sufferers from night sweats, requested extra sets of sheets from Tampa hotels.

Tampa—In a move that has Tampa hotel managers and staff scurrying to meet demand, the Republican National Committee has insisted that the hotels provide an extra set of white bed sheets and fabric scissors in the rooms of every GOP delegate. Reince Priebus, Chairman of the RNC, was vague when asked why the request was made, saying only that airport security would not allow passengers to pack fabric scissors since they were considered to be a weapon. Priebus gave no explanation for the request for a second set of sheets, except to say that GOP delegates were known to suffer from night sweats. “Global warming,” Priebus said sarcastically. (more…)

Romney Dressage Horse Barred From Water Polo | Mitt Furious

Sunday, August 5th, 2012
There will be no Olympic medal for Rafalca, Romney dressage horse, in water polo.

There will be no Olympic medal for Rafalca, Romney dressage horse, in water polo.

London—It was a black day for the Romneys. After Rafalca, their Olympic dressage horse, finished well out of medal contention, Mitt and Ann Romney attempted to enter the animal in the Water Polo competition. But when a London Olympics official explained to the Romneys that water polo was in fact not played on horseback, the presumptive Republican presidential nominee threw a major hissy fit and told the Olympic official to “Kiss my ass!”

A brief scuffle ensued. The London Olympics security team, which had been preparing for seven long years for all manner of violent contingencies, subdued the enraged Romney in less time than a clueless American presidential candidate could insult America’s most loyal ally. (more…)

Romney’s Real Dad, Tin Man, Might Have Ended Up As A Bumper

Saturday, July 28th, 2012
Romney’s birth father believed to be the Tin Man

Romney’s birth father believed to be the Tin Man.

Mitt Romney was adopted. That bombshell comes at a time when Romney can ill afford it—in the wake of the presidential candidate’s insulting remarks about the allegedly lax security at the London Olympic games, which has stirred the ire of no less than British Prime Minister David Cameron. Romney also went on record to register his disgust over his favorite sport—dressage—not being afforded prime time coverage for two solid weeks but instead will be broadcast only on Mondays and Thursdays in the US from 4:00 to 5:30 am EST.

“Not showcasing the heart-thumping, nail-biting sport of dressage,” Romney said in an address to the House of Lords, “is, frankly, an insult to the great Anglo-Saxon traditions which America and Great Britain share.” Off the record, but within earshot of one microphone, Romney said he felt that he and his fellow one-percenters back home in the colonies were getting “royally screwed.”

Yet Romney’s controversial remarks about the Olympics paled in comparison to the news of his adoption. The official birth certificate reveals that Romney’s real father was not former Michigan governor and American Motors CEO George Romney, but the Tin Man of The Wizard of Oz, who famously travelled to the Emerald City in search of a heart. Romney, like his birth father, was born without a heart; in its place, a treadmill powered by an undocumented Latino hamster pumps ice water through his veins. (more…)