Posts Tagged ‘Paul Ryan’


Boehner, Republicans Plan To Cure Inflexibility With Yoga

Wednesday, April 3rd, 2013
Congressman Paul Ryan (R-WI) and other Republicans vow to cure their unpopular inflexibility problem with yoga.

Congressman Paul Ryan (R-WI) and other Republicans vow to cure their unpopular inflexibility problem with yoga.

Washington, D.C. — A Gallup Poll published on April 1, which apparently is no joke, found that the major criticism of today’s Republican party is that it is “too inflexible.” Most surprising about the results is that more Republicans than Democrats listed this as the main quality they dislike about the GOP — by 26% to 22%.

“It’s a definitely a wake-up call for Republicans,” said House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH). “And one we plan to address with the same sense of urgency we apply to America’s other pressing problems.”

Boehner said that since the party began moving inexorably to the right in the 1990s, the GOP has become adept at tying itself in knots. However, he conceded that having the flexibility to do that was of little value if they required the Jaws of Life to undo the damage.

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Ryan Favors Tax Breaks for Blacks, Other Three-Fifths People

Thursday, March 21st, 2013
Paul Ryan’s new tax plan would treat blacks and other minorities as three-fifths of a person.

Paul Ryan’s new tax plan would treat blacks and other minorities as three-fifths of a person.

Washington, DC — Congressman Paul Ryan (R-Wisconsin) claims he has always had a soft spot for Article 1, Section 2, Paragraph 3 of the United States Constitution. His announcement today, he said, proves it. Standing on the Capitol steps, Ryan said a key feature of his new budget would be the treatment of blacks, Latinos and other minorities as three-fifths people in order to provide them with a proportionate, and unprecedented, tax break.

“Representatives and direct Taxes,” Ryan read from a clothbound copy of the Constitution, “shall be apportioned among the several States which may be included within this Union, according to their respective Numbers, which shall be determined by adding the whole Number of free persons…and, excluding Indians not taxed, three-fifths of all other Persons.”

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Wisconsin Republicans Torn About Voting For Ryan Only Once

Sunday, September 30th, 2012
Wisconsin Republicans face dilemma over how to cast their one vote for native son Paul Ryan—as Vice President or US Congressman.

Wisconsin Republicans face dilemma over how to cast their one vote for native son Paul Ryan—as Vice President or US Congressman.

Green Bay—Paul Ryan may be Wisconsin’s favorite son to many Republicans and that’s precisely why so many are torn about how to vote in the upcoming November election. Ryan’s name will appear on the ballot as a GOP Vice Presidential candidate, which has become a huge source of pride for Republican conservatives. But his name will also appear as a candidate for re-election to the US House of Representatives. And therein lies the dilemma.

“From what I remember from my third grade civics class,” said Ryan supporter Mack Copper, “I can only vote once. And that to me is a real tragedy.” Copper said he wished there was some way to fulfill the old political dictum “Vote early — and often,” alternately attributed to gangster Al Capone and Chicago Mayor Richard J. Daley. However, unlike many in the GOP, he didn’t feel he was above the law. Copper also admitted that he slept through most of his civics classes. (more…)

Democrats Hit Voter Suppression with No Heart, No Vote Bill

Sunday, September 16th, 2012
Democratic lawmakers in Ohio respond to GOP voter suppression with “No Heart, No Vote!” bill.

Democratic lawmakers in Ohio respond to GOP voter suppression with “No Heart, No Vote!” bill.

Columbus—If you think Democrats are standing idly by when it comes to Republican voter suppression in battleground states, think again. Consider Ohio. Republicans currently rule the roost and, most recently, have taken measures to curtail voting hours in a not-so-subtle attempt to the suppress minority vote which strongly favors President Obama. Democrats fought back and managed to gain some concessions, including the restoration of voting hours during the weekend immediately preceding the election.

But Democrats have not stopped there. A new bill—dubbed No Heart, No Vote—introduced on the floor of the Ohio House of Representatives today calls for Republican voters to prove that they have hearts by answering one simple question: Do you support the Ryan Budget? Anyone who answers “yes” will not be allowed to vote. (more…)

Romney-Ryan Makes Burger King Official Campaign Restaurant

Tuesday, September 4th, 2012
As part of their new partnership with the Romney-Ryan campaign, Burger King will introduce the Romney-Ryan Whopper on September 15.

As part of their new partnership with the Romney-Ryan campaign, Burger King will introduce the Romney-Ryan Whopper on September 15.

Wolfeboro, NH—In the wake of Paul Ryan’s and Mitt Romney’s GOP Convention speeches, the Republican ticket announced today that Burger King is now the official restaurant for their campaign. “Given the highly fiction-based nature of our speeches,” Romney said, “choosing ‘The Home of Whopper’ as our official campaign eatery seemed like a no-brainer.”

Republican Vice Presidential nominee Paul Ryan—dressed in black Spandex and sweating profusely after competing in the Wolfeboro Labor Day Ironman Triathlon, which he claimed to have won in world record time—concurred. “We see this partnership as a perfect way to keep the momentum we’ve gained at the convention going,” he said with a boyish grin. “And, frankly, it’s a short hop from slinging burgers to mudslinging.” (more…)

Ryan Blames Obama For Dinosaur Extinction | Time Travel Used

Friday, August 31st, 2012
According to Republican VP nominee Paul Ryan, President Obama caused the extinction of the dinosaurs 5,000 years ago.

According to Republican VP nominee Paul Ryan, President Obama caused the extinction of the dinosaurs 5,000 years ago.

Tampa—In a daring second act to his historic convention speech, which even Fox News noted was packed with outrageous lies and a failure to fess up to his own voting record in Congress, Paul Ryan has now blamed President Obama for the extinction of the dinosaurs.

“Just as President Obama was able to go back in time to facilitate the closing of a GM plant in Wisconsin in December of 2008,” Ryan said, “so too the president was able to travel back in time 5,000 years to cause the extinction of the dinosaurs.”

Ryan did not elaborate on the nature of the time machine used by the president, but insisted it was not a GM SUV. Those vehicles were being manufactured in the plant Obama closed roughly two months before he assumed the presidency. “My guess,” said Ryan, “is that the time machine was probably a Toyota or a Volkswagen.” (more…)