Posts Tagged ‘Stand Your Ground’

Mineral Rights And Stand Your Ground Clash | Miner Murdered

Sunday, April 29th, 2012

Houston, TX— The disagreement that led to the hot-blooded shooting death of Clyde T. Coburn, owner of the Pleasant Valley Mining Company, has morphed into what some call a blessing in disguise as the Texas legislature passed the Clyde T. Coburn Stand Your Underground law yesterday on a vote divided along party lines. Pundits expect Governor Rick Perry to sign the measure into law by the week’s end.

Coburn Mausoleum

Murdered mining company and mineral rights owner Clyde T. Coburn will be buried above ground in his family mausoleum.

“Ain’t nuthin’ gonna bring Clyde back,” said Coburn’s brother-in-law Charlie Dorgan, “but at least we’ll get some closure and, God willing, a tidy little settlement.” Millard Smyth, owner of the house that stands atop the land for which the Pleasant Valley Mining Company owns the mineral rights, gunned down Coburn, who was armed at the time with a 12-guage shotgun. Police said that weapon was not fired.

Apparently Coburn confronted Smyth on the porch of the latter’s home, apprising him of the mining company’s intention to commence a new drilling operation in his backyard, where Smyth has grown prize-winning zucchinis. Smyth, asserting he felt threatened, retreated into his home and later returned to the porch armed with an MA5B assault rifle. He then pumped twenty-nine rounds into Coburn’s chest and abdomen. (more…)

Romney Hunting Trip Misfires | Bullwinkle Not To Be Charged

Tuesday, April 24th, 2012

Frostbite Falls, MN — Likely GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney suffered a serious setback today as the self-proclaimed “varmint” hunter, hell-bent on adding an NRA-certified head to his parlor wall, was accidentally shot by another hunter, Bullwinkle R. Moose, while the Romney hunting party was preparing breakfast. Other members of the Romney hunting party managed to escape further injury, speeding off in two Cadillac SUVs.

Romney Hunted

GOP Presidential Front-Runner Mitt Romney shot by Bullwinkle R. Moose.

At the time of the incident, Romney was literally caught with his pants down as he relieved himself on a bush. Mr. Moose allegedly fired warning shots, but apparently one round hit Romney in the buttocks.

After four hours of what he called “harrowing captivity “ — during which the candidate was grilled about his environmental policies and his apparent lack of commitment to the survival of endangered species — Romney was taken to Frostbite Falls General Hospital where he remains in stable condition. While his wounds are not life threatening, doctors are concerned about possible brain damage. There is also a danger of amnesia. (more…)

Gaga Keeps "Born This Way” From Romney Presidential Campaign

Saturday, April 21st, 2012

Mitt Romney raised on Gebber Caviar Puree

Georgetown, Grand Cayman — Mitt Romney took one on the chin today when he learned that Lady Gaga would not, under any circumstances, license the use of her hit song Born This Way to his presidential campaign, thus ending weeks of intense, sometimes acrimonious negotiations, during which Romney traveled to Switzerland four times, visiting six separate banks.

Mitt Romney’s sterling silver baby spoon still has stains from Gebber Caviar

Mitt Romney’s sterling silver baby spoon still has stains from Gebber Caviar

For a while, it seemed like everything was going Romney’s way. Rick Santorum’s exit from the presidential campaign cleared a path to the GOP nomination upon which Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul were reduced to mere speed bumps. Turning then to his Etch A Sketch mastermind, presidential campaign senior advisor Eric Fehrnstrom, Romney made the bold decision to embrace who he is: an empty suit with an enormous wallet who was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. (more…)

Romney Presidential Campaign Weighs In On Stand Your Ground

Saturday, March 31st, 2012
Romney Presidential Campaign Embraces Electronic Monitoring Device Aimed To Quell 'Stand Your Ground' Uproar

Romney Presidential Campaign Embraces Electronic Monitoring Device Aimed To Quell 'Stand Your Ground' Uproar

In a move that has ruffled the feathers of the NRA and caused shockwaves throughout the nearly two dozen red states with “Stand Your Ground” laws on the books, Mitt Romney’s presidential campaign announced today that it supports a radical modification of the controversial “Stand Your Ground” law.

The modification, proposed by Republican Florida legislator Dennis Baxley, appears to be an attempt to quell the uproar over the shooting death of an unarmed teenager, Trayvon Martin, by self-appointed neighborhood watch captain George Zimmerman. It calls for a mandate that would compel anyone who owns a gun to also purchase an EMD4000, an all-in-one electronic monitoring device nicknamed the “Doc Brown,” after the well-known character in the Back to the Future movies.

“It’s really an amazing invention,” said Romney presidential campaign manager Matt Rhoades. The device, he explained, features GPS to track and report at regular intervals the gun owner’s movements via satellite. Exclusion zones can be programmed into a map with a predetermined radius. This means the device will know the second the gun owner leaves “his ground.” In most cases, this would be the property he owns or rents. Or the bar he frequents. (more…)