Posts Tagged ‘Supreme Court’


Supreme Court Mandates New Signage For Public Restrooms

Monday, April 1st, 2013
In an effort to curb unwanted same-sex sexual advances, new restrooms will group gay men with straight women and gay women with straight men.

In an effort to curb unwanted same-sex sexual advances, new restrooms will group gay men with straight women and gay women with straight men.

Washington, DC — In a decision that has sign manufacturers scrambling to meet an unprecedented demand, the Supreme Court voted to uphold an Iowa restaurant’s right to divide their restrooms in a way that the owner’s lawyer argued was “more in keeping with the times.” The vote was 5 to 4, with Justice Kennedy siding with the court’s conservative wing.

The new restrooms will still be twofold. However, gay men will now share one facility with straight women and gay women will share the other with straight men. “The principle that applies here,” said Herman Watts, the restaurateur’s attorney, “cannot be found in any law book. I’m talking about the law of attraction. No straight guy wants to take a leak with a homosexual in the next urinal gawking at his junk. And no straight women can feel completely comfortable with a dyke in the next stall who wants to jump her bones.”

(more…)

Supreme Court Rules 5 to 4 Constitution Is Unconstitutional

Monday, July 9th, 2012
King Mitt I of Utah

Mitt Romney hopes to return America to its royal glory days.

Washington, DC—Feeling intense pressure from the right to mend its ways since its recent liberal-leaning decisions to strike down most of Arizona’s immigration law and to uphold the Affordable Care Act, the United States Supreme Court ruled today that the US Constitution is unconstitutional, essentially dissolving our form of government and, with it, the scourge of socialism.

The immediate impact of the decision was relatively minor, however, since the Republican-led House has done virtually nothing for two years. Only one piece of legislation—the Barton-Pearce Drilling Act—has been passed since John Boehner took hold of the Speaker’s gavel in 2010. The legislation, which would have allowed oil companies to drill in Mrs. Obama’s White House vegetable garden, died in the Democratic-controlled Senate.

It looked for a while as if the Second Amendment—the Right to Bear Arms—would survive, but in the end even that was cast out. The court decided that the matter of arming paranoid, sadistic idiots with assault weapons should best be left to the states governed by paranoid, sadistic idiots who oppose the assault weapons ban. (more…)